Memories of Travis

Do you have a special story or memory of Travis? If so, let's hear it and I will pass it along to him.

Spinning

I have ran this "post" over and over in my head many times. What am I going to write? How can I write it and it come across the way I feel inside? I have come to realization that no one will know how I feel inside anyways, so I may as well just spit it out. But somehow, writing it for all the world to see makes it undeniable. Why do I feel this way this time, unlike before when I had fight in my heart. Maybe it's because I know how hard it is to go through it all again, I suppose. But we must go through it, again.

Travis had been having trouble with shortness of breath. We told the surgeon and oncologist at our one month follow-up. They checked his oxygen levels and they were normal. Nothing to worry about - expected after being in the hospital for so long. At our two month follow-up, he still had the shortness of breath, however this time his oxygen levels were considerably lower. A CT scan was done and it showed that Travis had 2 liters of fluid in his left lung. The last week of July, Travis was admitted into the hospital to have his lung drained. But that wasn't the worst of it - nodules were found in both lungs. Back on June 25th, extensive blood work was completed on Travis by the oncologist. I called the oncologist after the nodules were found and he said that he wasn't surprised about the nodules, Travis tumor markers were elevated. Travis was in the hospital for about 5 days and released. Even though the news was devastating, we stayed with the plan of having the esophageal stent removed the first week of August.

We made an appointment with the oncologist to go over Travis tumor markers. In our short meeting, we discussed his fast recurrence of his cancer. We also discussed some liver function numbers that were elevated. Further tests have revealed that he has a few small lesions on his liver, as well. Our oncologist told us to return after the stent was removed to go over what type of chemotherapy would be recommended. The goal being to get the same response that Travis received with the initial chemotherapy and get to another remission.

Travis was admitted to have the esophageal stent removed on August 6th. The fluid had returned and so we decided for the surgeon to perform a talc pleurodesis on the left lung at the same time. Inserting talc to the inner lining of the lung causes the lung to scar over, thus keeping the fluid from going inside it. After the surgery, we were first told that the esophageal leak was healed only to be told after the radiologist had investigated more thoroughly that a teeny tiny leak was spotted, but only when he took a big drink and his esophagus was full. No leak was spotted when he sipped from a straw.

The two days following the surgery Travis really struggled with his breathing. Later tests revealed blood clots in each lung, he has been on continuous heparin for treatment. He was put on a ventilator on Friday, August 8th. He still remains on the vent today. He is in a semi-conscious state. We talk to him and he understands what we are saying, he answers through his own sign language and by writing notes or mouthing the words. He is for the most part comfortable, but occasionally complains of some pain. Travis is beginning to get weened from the vent now, we are hoping that his lungs will continue to improve.

Since I am writing this - I can only speak for myself. These past weeks I have felt mostly anger and sadness. For those of you who know me personally -- I haven't been myself. To say that I have been in shock is an understatement. I have basically gone into the "survival" mode doing only what needs to be done. Logging on to the computer at home and checking my email has not been one of them. How can this ordeal continue to go on? My Travis has been through too much. My past positive attitude of things having to get better because of the long surgery recovery is gone. But I have not given up.

When Travis entered the hospital on August 6, the plan was to be released 7 days later. We would then go to the oncologist and start chemo. After he was put on the ventilator, the 7 day release date flew right on by. As I sat there looking at him, I started to go a little stir crazy, "We need to get him out of here -- to start chemo!" And then, I had to just let it all go. I came to the realization that I need to trust Jesus that this plan is what is best. For whatever reason, I need to trust that all of this suffering is for something.

We are living day-to-day right now. We do not know what is around the bend. For me to speculate on what will be next to get Travis better is futile.

No one deserves this and it isn't fair. But life is not fair. I can only hope that God will take care of him and that He will give us strength to go on and that He knows what is best for our family. I pray everyday for Him to comfort us and to give us some peace.

Remember When?

I usually don't have time for tags, but I thought this one might be fun.

Here are the rules:

1. As a comment on my blog, leave a memory that you and I had together. It doesn't matter if you know me a little or a lot, anything you remember! If we're only blogging friends, write about a post that is most memorable. If you don't have a blog and don't know how to sign in, please comment as anonymous.

2. Next, re-post these instructions on your blog and see how many people leave a memory about you. It's actually pretty funny to see the responses. If you leave a memory about me, I'll be sure to write one about you... either on your blog, in my comment box, or I will email you back!

3. If the memory happens to involve my husband, please include him!

4. If you can't say something nice, don't say nothin' at all ☺Okay, let's see what you've got!

Takin' the Horse By the Reins

You gotta give this girl some credit. She knew what she wanted to do and made it happen. It all started a few years ago, when Ashtin was on a softball team for Clinton City and her team got to be in the Clinton City Heritage Days Parade. Of course, Sydnee wanted to be in it, as well. Every time Sydnee signed up for a softball team, one of her first questions was if they were going to decorate a trailer and be in the parade. Even though, Ashtin was on two different softball teams, in two years, she ended up being in the parade each year. But not Sydnee, all she got to do was watch her older sister go by and collect candy for her in a plastic grocery bag.

Then, she got a wild idea. She asked her Grandpa if she could ride one of his horses in the parade. Sure, no big deal, except she has never rode a horse by herself and she's allergic. However, after a month of one-on-one training with Grandpa, a few minor melt-downs and a case of allergy pills she was ready to go. They enlisted a few others, Grandpa's friend, Dean and Dean's neighbor.

Since she was the instigator of this event, she got to choose the name of their group for the parade program. She chose "The Wild Child and Her Gang". Sydnee was all smiles as she threw out candy to the kids. You may be able to see the misters she had on board for her horse, Geronimo. Later, she said she never used the squirt bottles, she was having too much fun and way too busy.


As you can see from this face, she had a ball. To me, she looks like a sweetie who dreamed big and went for it. You go, girl!

Happy, Happy Birthday Travis!

To the one who gives this family direction . . .


and who we like having around the house . . .


and, of course, the one we can always laugh at . . .


you are the best guy a girl could ever find . . .


I love you, happy, happy birthday!

An Interview with Travis . . . .

Well, I figured since Travis is feeling better, everyone would like to hear from him for a change. I typed up some questions that I thought you might ask if you visited with him for a few minutes.

So, here it goes:

1. You have been home almost 3 weeks now, how are you feeling?
Mentally, I'm great. There is nothing better than being home with my family. Physically, I am still sore from the incisions and the J-tube.

2. Now that the hospital stay is a little bit more in the past, do you think you can talk about it?
I was there too long. The nurses were the best and I'll never forget them. Being there that long I seen people die, it really changes your perspective on living.

3. What was the most challenging part of those long 2 months?
Losing my independence. You can't even stand up without help because of all the tubes, IV's and equipment.

4. Was there anything good that came out of it?
I have a totally different outlook on life.

5. Did you get sick of the same old 3 faces showing up in your room everyday for 65 days?
No, it was hard enough being there, but being there alone would have been awful.

6. After your surgery, what’s been the hardest thing for you?
Building up strength, I lost all muscle tone and stamina.

7. Can we go back to the beginning – how did this cancer crap start?
September 2007, I had trouble swallowing food, with pain in my chest and became nauseous. In October, had an endoscopy that found a cancerous tumor and the journey began.

8. So, as you look in the future a little bit, do you have any big plans?
I don't have big plans, but I treat everyday as a gift. I don't make long term plans.

9. What about work? You want to go back on Monday are you looking forward to it?
Yes, I'm at the point where I need to get my body back into daily routines.

10. So, after all that you’ve been through what’s your philosophy about life’s up’s and down’s? Why do you think this happened? Where do you go from here?
I have never taken my cancer too serious because it would drive me crazy. When I get down I remember that I would rather have cancer than anyone in my family or any child. Life is exactly that, up's and down's, so enjoy with all your soul the up's.

11. And lastly, what’s gotten you through it all?
My loving wife and family. God and I have become very close, we talk daily.

Follow-up

The follow-up appointment with the surgeon went well. Travis is recovering nicely. His chest XRAY and his white blood count were both normal. For the past ten days, we have been diligently counting calories and protein - in order for Trav to maintain his weight he needs 2,600 calories (oh, how would it be?) and around 100 grams of protein per day. His nightly tube feedings provide 1,200 calories and 75 grams of protein. He needs to make up the difference in soft foods. Right now, his favorites are mashed potatoes and gravy, yogurt, juices, and cottage cheese. We also needed to track his blood pressure and heart rate - since Travis did so well on his calorie intake and maintaining his weight (about 180 lbs), he no longer has to count his calories everyday. We go back in one month to schedule a date to get the stent removed which will be around the first of August.

Travis is dealing with some pain issues on his sides, on one side it can be attributed to the thoracic surgery and the nerve endings. On the other side, its the pain from shingles (yes, he has shingles). He has a small patch of them on his belly, they are due from his immunities being low and stress.

He also has neuropathy (numbness on his fingertips and feet). Neuropathy is a side effect to one of the chemotherapy treatments he took last winter. He is going to try some medication to see if that will improve, so he can get back to work.

We do see small improvements everyday. His voice seems to be stronger and he is feeling more like himself. We have to keep reminding ourselves that he was in the hospital for a long time, and its best if we don't rush things.