Memories of Travis

Do you have a special story or memory of Travis? If so, let's hear it and I will pass it along to him.

Spinning

I have ran this "post" over and over in my head many times. What am I going to write? How can I write it and it come across the way I feel inside? I have come to realization that no one will know how I feel inside anyways, so I may as well just spit it out. But somehow, writing it for all the world to see makes it undeniable. Why do I feel this way this time, unlike before when I had fight in my heart. Maybe it's because I know how hard it is to go through it all again, I suppose. But we must go through it, again.

Travis had been having trouble with shortness of breath. We told the surgeon and oncologist at our one month follow-up. They checked his oxygen levels and they were normal. Nothing to worry about - expected after being in the hospital for so long. At our two month follow-up, he still had the shortness of breath, however this time his oxygen levels were considerably lower. A CT scan was done and it showed that Travis had 2 liters of fluid in his left lung. The last week of July, Travis was admitted into the hospital to have his lung drained. But that wasn't the worst of it - nodules were found in both lungs. Back on June 25th, extensive blood work was completed on Travis by the oncologist. I called the oncologist after the nodules were found and he said that he wasn't surprised about the nodules, Travis tumor markers were elevated. Travis was in the hospital for about 5 days and released. Even though the news was devastating, we stayed with the plan of having the esophageal stent removed the first week of August.

We made an appointment with the oncologist to go over Travis tumor markers. In our short meeting, we discussed his fast recurrence of his cancer. We also discussed some liver function numbers that were elevated. Further tests have revealed that he has a few small lesions on his liver, as well. Our oncologist told us to return after the stent was removed to go over what type of chemotherapy would be recommended. The goal being to get the same response that Travis received with the initial chemotherapy and get to another remission.

Travis was admitted to have the esophageal stent removed on August 6th. The fluid had returned and so we decided for the surgeon to perform a talc pleurodesis on the left lung at the same time. Inserting talc to the inner lining of the lung causes the lung to scar over, thus keeping the fluid from going inside it. After the surgery, we were first told that the esophageal leak was healed only to be told after the radiologist had investigated more thoroughly that a teeny tiny leak was spotted, but only when he took a big drink and his esophagus was full. No leak was spotted when he sipped from a straw.

The two days following the surgery Travis really struggled with his breathing. Later tests revealed blood clots in each lung, he has been on continuous heparin for treatment. He was put on a ventilator on Friday, August 8th. He still remains on the vent today. He is in a semi-conscious state. We talk to him and he understands what we are saying, he answers through his own sign language and by writing notes or mouthing the words. He is for the most part comfortable, but occasionally complains of some pain. Travis is beginning to get weened from the vent now, we are hoping that his lungs will continue to improve.

Since I am writing this - I can only speak for myself. These past weeks I have felt mostly anger and sadness. For those of you who know me personally -- I haven't been myself. To say that I have been in shock is an understatement. I have basically gone into the "survival" mode doing only what needs to be done. Logging on to the computer at home and checking my email has not been one of them. How can this ordeal continue to go on? My Travis has been through too much. My past positive attitude of things having to get better because of the long surgery recovery is gone. But I have not given up.

When Travis entered the hospital on August 6, the plan was to be released 7 days later. We would then go to the oncologist and start chemo. After he was put on the ventilator, the 7 day release date flew right on by. As I sat there looking at him, I started to go a little stir crazy, "We need to get him out of here -- to start chemo!" And then, I had to just let it all go. I came to the realization that I need to trust Jesus that this plan is what is best. For whatever reason, I need to trust that all of this suffering is for something.

We are living day-to-day right now. We do not know what is around the bend. For me to speculate on what will be next to get Travis better is futile.

No one deserves this and it isn't fair. But life is not fair. I can only hope that God will take care of him and that He will give us strength to go on and that He knows what is best for our family. I pray everyday for Him to comfort us and to give us some peace.