I'm Gonna Go There . . .

Whoa, it's kind of been a long time since I posted. I've been contemplating whether I should write about this subject, but it has come up a few times in the last three weeks, so I guess I'm gonna go there.

A few friends/family members have brought up the subject of the future - mainly dating again. Now, let me just say that I don't think I am ready for that, yet. I still wear my wedding ring & I had Trav's wedding ring sized so I can wear his, as well. For the most part, I still feel like I am married. I have read that one day that will fade -- and I will begin yet another relationship with Travis.

One close friend stated that he doesn't know if there is anyone out there "good enough" for me to date. Another family member said, "they feel sorry for who ever comes after Travis." Let me just say that I have pondered these thoughts, too. I just didn't think everyone else was thinking them, as well. Now, no one is perfect, and contrary to what some might think, either was Travis. But, hey, he was the answer to my prayers and that's really all that counts.

I'm coming up on the sixth month being without him. Month after month I can feel myself healing and it's only normal to look towards what the future may bring. How can I not think if there is a man with broad enough shoulders for all of my baggage? I thought I had baggage before Travis, holy heck, look at my crap, now! I've already thought about what has to happen, the next person will have to be totally alright with the feelings I have in my heart for Travis. I mean, you can't really expect a person who was totally in love with someone and a tragic thing like cancer happen and all those feeling go away. IF that person is not out there -- then I'm OK with what I have. There can be no other way.

I suppose whatever happens, will happen. And it will happen in its own time and that is A-OK with me, I'm not in any hurry.

First Dance

Sometimes I wonder what heaven is like and what Travis is doing. I know he is with us, but I wonder if it's constant or does he pop in and out whenever he has a minute, or two.

A few weeks ago, we had a pretty big event, DJ's first dance. He was asked by his friend, Taylor, to go to Preference on Valentine's Day.



I could only imagine what Trav would have said to DJ as he was getting ready to pick her up. I know he would have said that "he looked sharp." He would have said to me that DJ is growing up, and I probably would have gotten a hug. Ya, so here we begin with the occasions of imagining what he would have said....

After the all the hub-ub was over and I was by myself, I got this feeling like he was right there with me. I could almost carry on a conversation with him about the big night that we had. And for the first time I realized that occasions such as these shouldn't be looked at as times that he is missing, but times where I know he is with us - just like before.

Things to Do

The other day I was talking to a mom whose son is in his twenties and is in his last days of his life here. He has cancer. We were conversing, we have a common ground, losing someone we love to cancer. As we talked, we shared the feelings of watching them slip away, watching them suffer, trying to provide them any kind of comfort you can think of, anything to make it better. She talked about medications, funeral arrangements and then she said, "I think that he has some things he needs to get done and then it will be time." That's got me thinking. If you knew Travis, you know how he loved his lists. He received a rash of you know what for his lists, but he never quit doing them. I wonder if a list is what we receive before we are born? Do you think that the faster we get through the list, the sooner we leave this place? Why are some people's lists shorter than other's? Is is because some tasks are harder to complete? Would you want to know what is on your list?

I remember a conversation Travis and I had after the doctor had found the spots on his lungs. He was sitting in his recliner and I was having a melt down. And I asked him, "Don't you wonder why this is happening to us? Why?!" And he said calmly, "You know, I don't know, maybe it's because I got all that I asked for." Now, that has me thinking, do we have control of what goes on our list of things we need to get accomplished?

Looking back at the past few years of our lives, I get an eerie feeling that things were falling into place for cancer and after. He used to work in industries where you didn't have an awful amount of sick time, but two years prior to cancer, that changed. Another big endeavor was the six month remodel of our home, he couldn't wait to get it done, a few months after it was complete - he was diagnosed. Damn it. If we'd known, we would have put it all off for another 40 years. If we would have known.

Ya, I know everyone has had heard the saying, "Ours is not to wonder why . . " But I do.

So, back to the conversation while he is in his recliner and me with my melt down, he said, "I just want you to remember, that whatever happens, I love you - always remember that, OK?"

OK, Travis, I love you, too.