Going Private

Hey All, look who is back?! I've been thinking should I shut this blog down, start a new one or just go private? How many blog stalkers do I even have left anymore? And seriously, do those stalkers just want to read about my grief?

I mean I have been thinking....how am I supposed to act? Fifteen months after losing the love of my life? Should I only write on here to vent my sadness or frustration of the whole shitty deal? Or is this the place where I can draw you a better picture of how our lives are going as a whole?

Life is ever evolving....what are the words to that Aerosmith song? "Life's a journey not a destination..." Well, I gotta say that I take that to heart. I believe that Travis wouldn't want us to only share our feelings of grief, but about our feelings of happiness, too. He would want me to share our joy of having him in our lives, our sadness in missing him, but also that we can go on without him being physically with us. Although he is always with us in spirit.

For 2010, I am going to try something new with this blog....it's going to be about us. I am sure you will get large doses of dog stories and for that I will apologize up front. But I am not going to apologize for how well we are doing...each of us have had our challenges this past year and I think Travis would be extremely proud.

If you would like to still read my blog send me your email address and I will gladly add you to the list. I don't even have to know you, I mean you know my deepest thoughts already, I at least should know your email address.

You Know It's Been Awhile ....

You know it's been awhile when you forget the password to your own blog. Sheesh, where has the summer gone? What started out as a rainy, depressing season turned out (for me, anyway) to be a pleasant detour full of great times and lots of friends.

I don't know what is prompting me to write today....I went to sleep around my usual weekend hour, after watching a somewhat suspenseful movie with the kids. And like normal I usually can't sleep past 6. Normally, I hear little sounds prompting me to "Wake up." and as I raise my head I look to my bedroom door and see a silhouette of a dog with his tail wagging and two ears at attention. But today it was different, I could hear my lazy dog sleeping on the ground next to me, and I just laid there and began to think. Think about all that has happened to us.

I know what prompted me to go there. I talked to a woman in my new organization at the base who is going into surgery and will later face chemotherapy for the third time in her quest to kick ovarian cancer. We talked for sometime on her story and mine. She asked how I could talk to her so matter of factly about it all. I didn't have an answer...I only suspect that God has given me the ability to talk about my experience to others and maybe give them a little solace in that they are not alone. I could see in her eyes, that she needed to talk about it. She even said that its was nice that she could talk about with someone who has gone through it. Have I shed a few tears after the conversation? Uh, ya. The FEAR will never go away, the feeling of hopelessness will always be there, the damage of what worry, stress and anguish caused is merely covered by what seems like a band-aid. It can be covered up but it's always under there, and sometimes you have to peek at to see how it's healing.

So, what have we been doing this fine summer....let's see. My job has been going great, I have enjoyed learning what the other side of the base is like, it's a whole new world. My newly acquired friends are a great bunch, at their urging I started riding a bike and twice a week we tackle an 11 mile ride around the perimeter of the base. I didn't think I could do it, but I did and it's getting easier...and I love it. DJ got a job on base as a summer-hire. He says its the easiest job he has ever had and that paid the most. Ah...he's learning. After three seasons working at a local agricultural farm in 90 degree heat for minimum wage, he can see that there might be other jobs better suited for him.

With DJ's first check, he bought another car! Not with my permission, mind you. Ya, got a little upset with that one, I mean, how many cars does one kid need? But he did it. And then this revalation came to me, "Wow, this kid is growing up." Sometimes, he is not going to NEED my permission to do anything. He might have to actually start having to make his own decisions and consequently his own mistakes. I might have to loosen those strings a little. I, of course, relayed that to DJ but not in not so nice of terms. I think the conversation went, "If you can buy your own car, then that means you can buy yourself everything." With that, you are now old enough to figure out where your gas money is coming from and other monetary kick backs I've been giving you." DJ will be a senior this year, and to be honest I had tears in my eyes writing out the check for registration. I can't believe he has grown up so fast.

Summer has also brought more time that I can spend with the girls. No school means a more lacks schedule, where they can hang out here for a few extra days. In every single way, except one of course, life is how it used to me. Kids in and out, empty glasses of ice water on the counters, flip flops everywhere, bikes in the driveway...well, you get the picture. Summer is a busy time and maybe that's why I've felt so good lately. I have realized that I must stay busy. How convenient is it that the nights are longer AND you have 10 things that you must do every night! Water the flowers, check on the garden, and walk the dog, just to name a few...and of course, I usually end it by sitting on my back patio with a glass of wine.

Since I haven't been on the blog, where have I been? My laptop has a permanent place on my kitchen table (is that tacky?). And every night, throughout the night, I check to see what me "friends" are up to. Yep, I'm a Facebook freak. I keep up to date on what my buddies are doing for the weekend, I get ideas on what I would like to do .... like hiking or shopping. I have caught up with old high school friends and am astounded on how much they have accomplished and the different, different lives they lead from mine.

I have this philosophy about stuff. And it goes along with this blog and people in our lives, as well. This blog was there for me to give you updates on Travis, then it gave me an outlet to write about my feelings, and gave you an idea on what it's like to lose someone so close. And what about the people in our lives??? Look back, if you are older, like me, you can think of old friends and the times you spent with them and the great contribution they made in your life. But where are they now? Isn't it funny, that they are no longer around you? My philosophy is that people come in and out of our lives when you need each other. Rarely, do people (other than family) stay for the duration of your life, or theirs. And I tear up to think that my husband was one of those people that God chose to keep in my life here on earth for only a short time. I always wonder why he wasn't one of those ones who I could have for the duration. Yep, I still wonder, why. I of course really wonder WHY He chose to take a good father away from his kids. That gets me a little fired up, to say the least. But I guess where I am going with this is that I don't know how long I will need this blog...life is continuing to evolve. I have given up on planning for the future - I still can't see a year from now. I don't know where I will be, what I will be doing, who or what I will need to get through it.

So, don't be surprised if one day, this blog is gone. For right now, you can look for me on FB...after that, who knows.

New Job

In a week from now I will be starting a new job...the opportunity just presented itself, that is just how my career has gone, things just happen. As I look back I realize how blessed I have been. For the most part I have had great supervisors who want to see me succeed. Could I have endured a new job a year ago? No way. But now, I THINK, I can handle it. I've been with this organization for many years. The last time I made this big of a jump I had Travis to fall back on. Seven years ago I changed organizations in the middle of December. The holidays. When everyone has a hard time focusing. Office parties, gift exchanges, potlucks. No one knew me and I didn't know anyone and I remember talking to Travis on the phone, or should I say crying on the phone to him, telling him how much I hated it. I remember him saying, "Well, then go back to your old job. They liked you over there and you were happy." Of course, I stuck it out, but it was nice knowing that if I DID want to go back, he was OK with it.

That's just how Travis was...always supportive of whatever I wanted. When I had a chance for a new position we would talk about it and he always said, "Babe, you do whatever you want to do...Ya, the money would be nice, but you do whatever makes you happy."

But let's face it, now the situation is different. I don't have another person to fall back on, another income to help make ends meet. It's all up to me, unfortunately. However, I am a true believer in things happening for a reason, and maybe this opportunity is happening now for a reason. Maybe Travis has something to do with it, who knows? All I know is that he is rooting for me, and saying I can do this...

A Short One

I'm going to do a quick post here ... I'm sure everyone has been dying to know what has been going on in my life... On my last post I wrote that I was good, and I still am. But it's funny how as soon as you write how good you feel...a few days later you don't think you can go on. That's grief for ya. Sneaky bugger.

It can be something as simple as passing a guy who has the same goatee ... or shall I say one of the many goatee styles that Trav sported. Or a guy with a ball cap and a black hoodie on the front steps of my building at work. Or seeing a picture of flames on a mailbox or on a truck... or a loud chopper driving by...

So, there ya go...a short post to say that I'm good and that I miss him ....

So . . . I'm Good.

Finally...I'm good when people ask me how I am. Not just alright, hangin' in there, or taking it day-by-day. Do I feel a twinge of guilt when I say that I am good? Yep, I sure do. But I am told that that is to be expected. Keith and Linda came over yesterday and my cool neighbor asked how she was doing and she said, "Good." I don't know if she just said that or if she really was at that moment in time. But I hope she is feeling better.

Don't get me wrong, I do have bad days, and terrible moments. Take the week leading up to my 40th birthday - that was rough. Last year Trav was recovering from his second surgery to fix that damn leak, and even in his medicinal deliriousness he wrote me "Happy Birthday" messages. I have pages of notes from him telling the nurses that it was my birthday. I know it was on his mind that he was missin' it. And I couldn't help thinking that he was feeling the same way this year, too. In year's past he would be asking me about a month ahead what I wanted for my birthday. He'd get pissed that I would come home with something I had bought because he wanted to get it for me for my birthday. Ya, this year was a bit different. Gage and I took a walk up to his grave that morning. It was the first time I ever felt a little bit angry at him. It was all of about 15 seconds and then it was over. Thank goodness my birthday fell on Easter, whew! It was a good excuse to have a family get together and celebrate my 40th. I'm always in awe of how my family thinks of me so much.



Anyway, back to how I am good. The other day I realized that I don't shake my head no when I think of Trav being gone. I guess that means I'm getting used to the idea. Pretty good as we enter the 8th month without him. Did I tell ya I am a slow learner? DJ and I have a system going on around here. I call it a definite partnership. I do have to ask him to do stuff around the house, but sometimes things just get done without me nagging. Yes!

I have noticed that I have become a little more particular about order and cleanliness. Although, you might not notice when you walk in my house right away, I have become a little bit of a person that has to do certain things on a certain day. Hard to explain but I think it's because that I am the one who is responsible for it all. Also, I have come to the realization that I need to take a day off from work every so often just to get caught up on everything.

Maybe after a year of uncertainty, I am trying to gain control of what I can. Deej and I have developed a routine that seems to be working and helping us heal. That's all we want - to heal.

My Hero

The following is a poem that was written by our niece, Cierra. She read the poem at her choir concert and did an awesome job. It's great to know that Travis is still remembered. He would have been very honored as well as touched by Cierra's words. I know we were. Thanks, Sweetie.

My Hero

My Hero is my Uncle Travis Beus who lost his courageous battle to esphageal cancer. He is my Hero because even though he was sick in bed at the hospital he still managed to keep a smile on his face and take care of his wife and three kids.

He said he was glad it was him who had cancer and not a child or someone in his family.

Something Travis often said was "Life is exactly that, Up's and down's so enjoy with all your soul the up's" - Travis-

And with losing my Uncle Travis, God proved to me that he only takes the BEST!!

Spring Forward

The calendar says that spring is here, although by the temperature today you wouldn't know it. As the days have worn on, I am feeling better about the change in the season. If our yard wasn't looking too great Trav would say, "Man, our yard looks like a vacant lot." Well, I couldn't have that on my shoulders! On one of those very few 60 degrees days I worked in the yard to do a few things and ended up out there for six hours. All day long I thought about Travis, kinda like WWJD, but it was WWTD. Although, Travis and I didn't always agree on how to do things - his way was, "How can I do this in the least amount of time and spend the least amount of money."

At the end of March, we celebrated DJ's and Ashtin's birthday. They are so lucky to have to celebrate their birthdays together, since one is on the 29th and one on the 30th.
You see the family picture off to the side? That was at their birthday party last year just a few days before his resection surgery. My how life has changed. Last year, I was almost looking forward to the surgery so we could get it behind us. So, we could get cancer behind us and start living again. I truly thought that Trav would beat it. The thought of Travis not would be there only for a millisecond. Was it denial? Maybe. Was it for survival? Probably.

I am looking forward to doing a few small projects in our home this spring and summer. Projects that Travis and I had talked about, but never got to start. Lately, I have had to make some decisions without him, but I just try to "channel" him for help. It seems to be working out just fine.

Six Months Down and a Lifetime to Go...

This past week another mile marker came and went . . . six months. What a big week it was, for instance I had to get my taxes done. It was one of the things I was truly dreading. The thought of going through last year's paperwork made me ill, and so I put it off for longer than usual. I find that I procrastinate more than I used to, I think maybe it comes with everything else that I am going through. This year was the first time I ever payed someone else to do them. It was such a different year - I didn't want to dork them up. And just like I had anticipated, it was very difficult. First, I had to go through all the medical bills and find all of our out-of-pocket expenses. That was fun - reliving chemotherapy, radiation and stays at the hospital. Let's not forget while in the hospital, daily XRAYs and finger pricks (God, he hated those). I decided to go through bank statements to make sure I didn't miss anything. Here I find charges on his credit card at restaurants and home improvement stores. He felt pretty good in March - we went to the Dodge National Circuit Finals Rodeo and the Matchbox Twenty concert. Anyhow, the taxes are done and oh great, I get to claim qualifying widow for the next two years. The things you learn when life throws you a curve ball.

Also this week Trav's marker was installed, the marker is probably the last thing I needed to do for him. I ordered it many months ago after a few months of trying to decide what I wanted -- what he would have wanted. First, I didn't know there would be so many options . . single or double marker, the kind of stone, the type of foundation it sits on, etc. In fact, I went in to the monument place once, got overwhelmed and made up an excuse on why I had to leave. I couldn't get over the fact that I was picking out a headstone for my husband. But I did it and I hope he likes it.





In the past six months, I have slowly went through his clothes and removed them from the dresser. But the other day, one of the drawers wouldn't close all the way and I reached back and found one of his shirts shoved back behind there. It was a shirt he had cut off at the belly so he could sleep with the feeding tube. It made me sad remembering all that he had went through.

When I look out my kitchen window, I can see a four-way stop. Sometimes, when Travis was coming home from work I could see his truck a quarter mile up the road, stop at the stop sign. The other day I saw a silver Ford . . .

Or what about the weather, you know when spring is coming when you can smell it in the air. I was leaving for work and I went to get the paper and I could smell it, and it took me back to all those mornings I was headed to Salt Lake to stay with him in the hospital.

Oh, I don't know - there are many things I can write about here on what takes me back to the good and bad times of the life we had together. I am hoping I will begin to remember more of the good and less of the bad.

I'm Gonna Go There . . .

Whoa, it's kind of been a long time since I posted. I've been contemplating whether I should write about this subject, but it has come up a few times in the last three weeks, so I guess I'm gonna go there.

A few friends/family members have brought up the subject of the future - mainly dating again. Now, let me just say that I don't think I am ready for that, yet. I still wear my wedding ring & I had Trav's wedding ring sized so I can wear his, as well. For the most part, I still feel like I am married. I have read that one day that will fade -- and I will begin yet another relationship with Travis.

One close friend stated that he doesn't know if there is anyone out there "good enough" for me to date. Another family member said, "they feel sorry for who ever comes after Travis." Let me just say that I have pondered these thoughts, too. I just didn't think everyone else was thinking them, as well. Now, no one is perfect, and contrary to what some might think, either was Travis. But, hey, he was the answer to my prayers and that's really all that counts.

I'm coming up on the sixth month being without him. Month after month I can feel myself healing and it's only normal to look towards what the future may bring. How can I not think if there is a man with broad enough shoulders for all of my baggage? I thought I had baggage before Travis, holy heck, look at my crap, now! I've already thought about what has to happen, the next person will have to be totally alright with the feelings I have in my heart for Travis. I mean, you can't really expect a person who was totally in love with someone and a tragic thing like cancer happen and all those feeling go away. IF that person is not out there -- then I'm OK with what I have. There can be no other way.

I suppose whatever happens, will happen. And it will happen in its own time and that is A-OK with me, I'm not in any hurry.

First Dance

Sometimes I wonder what heaven is like and what Travis is doing. I know he is with us, but I wonder if it's constant or does he pop in and out whenever he has a minute, or two.

A few weeks ago, we had a pretty big event, DJ's first dance. He was asked by his friend, Taylor, to go to Preference on Valentine's Day.



I could only imagine what Trav would have said to DJ as he was getting ready to pick her up. I know he would have said that "he looked sharp." He would have said to me that DJ is growing up, and I probably would have gotten a hug. Ya, so here we begin with the occasions of imagining what he would have said....

After the all the hub-ub was over and I was by myself, I got this feeling like he was right there with me. I could almost carry on a conversation with him about the big night that we had. And for the first time I realized that occasions such as these shouldn't be looked at as times that he is missing, but times where I know he is with us - just like before.

Things to Do

The other day I was talking to a mom whose son is in his twenties and is in his last days of his life here. He has cancer. We were conversing, we have a common ground, losing someone we love to cancer. As we talked, we shared the feelings of watching them slip away, watching them suffer, trying to provide them any kind of comfort you can think of, anything to make it better. She talked about medications, funeral arrangements and then she said, "I think that he has some things he needs to get done and then it will be time." That's got me thinking. If you knew Travis, you know how he loved his lists. He received a rash of you know what for his lists, but he never quit doing them. I wonder if a list is what we receive before we are born? Do you think that the faster we get through the list, the sooner we leave this place? Why are some people's lists shorter than other's? Is is because some tasks are harder to complete? Would you want to know what is on your list?

I remember a conversation Travis and I had after the doctor had found the spots on his lungs. He was sitting in his recliner and I was having a melt down. And I asked him, "Don't you wonder why this is happening to us? Why?!" And he said calmly, "You know, I don't know, maybe it's because I got all that I asked for." Now, that has me thinking, do we have control of what goes on our list of things we need to get accomplished?

Looking back at the past few years of our lives, I get an eerie feeling that things were falling into place for cancer and after. He used to work in industries where you didn't have an awful amount of sick time, but two years prior to cancer, that changed. Another big endeavor was the six month remodel of our home, he couldn't wait to get it done, a few months after it was complete - he was diagnosed. Damn it. If we'd known, we would have put it all off for another 40 years. If we would have known.

Ya, I know everyone has had heard the saying, "Ours is not to wonder why . . " But I do.

So, back to the conversation while he is in his recliner and me with my melt down, he said, "I just want you to remember, that whatever happens, I love you - always remember that, OK?"

OK, Travis, I love you, too.

The Long Pause

OK - so I am 39 and a widow and I hate it. And this is one of the reasons why. If you met me for the first time you wouldn't know that I lost my busband 4 months ago by looking at me. I usually smile, a lot. Thank God I was blessed with good teeth. In my job I meet new people everyday - that's what I LOVE about my job. And in my initial conversation with a new friend I don't say. "Oh by the way, I'm getting through the worst year of my life, my husband fought cancer and passed away, and I'm missing him every minute - tell me about yourself." I don't want to go there. Or should I? Because inevitably, it will go there. It might be that same day or the next week when it does surface. You get talking about family and kids and then I have to say it. "No, I'm not married, I'm a widow." I know - I'm so young and so was he - only 36. And there it is - an awkwardness, a long pause, I can see the other person searching for words of what to say next. Damn it. I don't want people to feel that way around me - I want people to like me, not feel sorry for me. So, I try to tell them, "Hey, it's OK - I'm getting through it." And I smile. They always say, "Wow, it looks like you are handling it well -- it hasn't been that long." Yep, I am, I guess. What else am I supposed to do?

Acceptance

Lately, I haven't had that much to blog about. After the trip, things got pretty quiet, and maybe a little realization set in. I just kept telling myself that if I can get through the holidays, it'll be ok. And now that the holidays have passed, I don't have a big hurdle to get over and sometimes I'm not OK. And sometimes I am.

Like today, I'm alright. I took the dogs to the vet and that was an adventure. I caught a lady in the waiting room laughing at me, as Gage tried to jump me from behind when I was trying to coax him to stay on the scale.

At church on Sunday, Father Leo talked about acceptance. He said how many of us "signed" up for the life we are living? Wouldn't we all want to be movie stars or rich? I'm sure I wasn't raising my hand when God was handing out grief. And I know that Trav did not volunteer for cancer. But Trav had a good attitude about it when it was given to him, he just said, "well, you play the hand your dealt." And that was what Father Leo's talk was about. Even though we don't like the life that was given to us, we must learn to accept it and grow from it. Because it was given to us for a reason. How lucky are we??

So, that is what I am going to try to do - accept it.

Wish me luck!

This Christmas . . .

As you might expect our Christmas was entirely different this year. Without Trav how could it be the same? Up until two Christmas' ago, he and I planned my family's Christmas party. I was in charge of setting up the room and he was in charge of collecting the gift's, meeting the Santa outside so Santa could make his entrance and then paying Santa for stopping by. On Christmas Eve, he would charge up the camcorder, tape the kids opening their one Christmas Eve present (always pajamas). In the morning, I was the one who woke up first, I would wake him up asking him, "When do you think they are going to wake up?" He always thought that was funny, that I was up before them. So, ya, it was different.


Even though he is not here where we can see him, we can feel him. Our love for him does not stop, we can still love him and send him our love and he can still receive it.

My niece Angie heard of this awesome idea of using your loved one's shirts and making them into "Memory Bears". I'm in a quandary as to what to do with Trav's clothes. I plan on making a quilt with some of them, but for some special shirts I thought this was a great idea. I've posted the link on where I ordered them. Carrie is great to work with and she is located in Utah.







Shuffleboard, anyone?

Then we were off on our adventure. Many months back, I booked a cruise for us over Christmas, the thought of spending Christmas here was unbearable. I decided on Carnival Cruise Lines and chose to go to the Mexican Rivera (Puerta Vallarta, Mazatlan and Cabo San Lucas).

Before our trip, I was again amazed by the generosity of Trav's friend's/co-worker's when I was presented with over $600.00 that they raised. As I've stated to many others, Trav's legacy lives on in these fine people. The impact he had in their lives must be great for them because they just keep on giving.

The Sunday prior to Christmas we were off for 7 days of sea, sun and fun. The first two days of our cruise was at sea. The girls checked out the teen club, after that I barely saw Ashtin all week. My only form of communication with her was leaving notes in the room, telling her to meet us for dinner. Oh well, that's what teenagers are supposed to do. There were over 750 children on the ship with many, many things for them to keep them occupied. We played numerous games of BINGO, watched Karaoke, comedians, and variety shows. Oh and the food . . . and unlimited amounts for frozen yogurt and ice cream. Heaven. We also saw dolphins swimming along side the ship.

In Puerta Vallarta, we went zip lining, as you can see from the picture Ashtin was not too keen on the idea, but she did great. Like I told her, "Never let fear hold you back, sistah." On Christmas Day we were in Mazatlan, not my favorite of the three, but we had great weather and some fun. In Cabo San Lucas, we tried snorkeling, which it wasn't the greatest, but I thought it was a great first snorkle for the kids.

All in all we had a great time. I got to see a whale out in the distance, as I drank my coffee on the back deck of the ship. Early mornings were for me to think and of course, talk to Trav. I'm sure he was saying that we deserved to get away after the year we've had. We missed him on the trip, though. The kids would mention him when we saw a t-shirt he would like, or we would imagine what he would say when we saw different people on the ship. Nope, he wasn't forgotten. In the harbor in Cabo we saw a boat and on it, it said "fearless". When Travis thought he beat cancer, he planned to get a new tatt with a drawing of us holding hands and "fearless" written under it. He wrote me a letter that said when I held his hand, that's how he felt. So, I know it was a sign from him when we saw this boat. I know he was telling us, to keep going, but he's not far.



Here we go, a new year, different lives, but with his courage. Always.