So . . . I'm Good.

Finally...I'm good when people ask me how I am. Not just alright, hangin' in there, or taking it day-by-day. Do I feel a twinge of guilt when I say that I am good? Yep, I sure do. But I am told that that is to be expected. Keith and Linda came over yesterday and my cool neighbor asked how she was doing and she said, "Good." I don't know if she just said that or if she really was at that moment in time. But I hope she is feeling better.

Don't get me wrong, I do have bad days, and terrible moments. Take the week leading up to my 40th birthday - that was rough. Last year Trav was recovering from his second surgery to fix that damn leak, and even in his medicinal deliriousness he wrote me "Happy Birthday" messages. I have pages of notes from him telling the nurses that it was my birthday. I know it was on his mind that he was missin' it. And I couldn't help thinking that he was feeling the same way this year, too. In year's past he would be asking me about a month ahead what I wanted for my birthday. He'd get pissed that I would come home with something I had bought because he wanted to get it for me for my birthday. Ya, this year was a bit different. Gage and I took a walk up to his grave that morning. It was the first time I ever felt a little bit angry at him. It was all of about 15 seconds and then it was over. Thank goodness my birthday fell on Easter, whew! It was a good excuse to have a family get together and celebrate my 40th. I'm always in awe of how my family thinks of me so much.



Anyway, back to how I am good. The other day I realized that I don't shake my head no when I think of Trav being gone. I guess that means I'm getting used to the idea. Pretty good as we enter the 8th month without him. Did I tell ya I am a slow learner? DJ and I have a system going on around here. I call it a definite partnership. I do have to ask him to do stuff around the house, but sometimes things just get done without me nagging. Yes!

I have noticed that I have become a little more particular about order and cleanliness. Although, you might not notice when you walk in my house right away, I have become a little bit of a person that has to do certain things on a certain day. Hard to explain but I think it's because that I am the one who is responsible for it all. Also, I have come to the realization that I need to take a day off from work every so often just to get caught up on everything.

Maybe after a year of uncertainty, I am trying to gain control of what I can. Deej and I have developed a routine that seems to be working and helping us heal. That's all we want - to heal.