Six Months Down and a Lifetime to Go...

This past week another mile marker came and went . . . six months. What a big week it was, for instance I had to get my taxes done. It was one of the things I was truly dreading. The thought of going through last year's paperwork made me ill, and so I put it off for longer than usual. I find that I procrastinate more than I used to, I think maybe it comes with everything else that I am going through. This year was the first time I ever payed someone else to do them. It was such a different year - I didn't want to dork them up. And just like I had anticipated, it was very difficult. First, I had to go through all the medical bills and find all of our out-of-pocket expenses. That was fun - reliving chemotherapy, radiation and stays at the hospital. Let's not forget while in the hospital, daily XRAYs and finger pricks (God, he hated those). I decided to go through bank statements to make sure I didn't miss anything. Here I find charges on his credit card at restaurants and home improvement stores. He felt pretty good in March - we went to the Dodge National Circuit Finals Rodeo and the Matchbox Twenty concert. Anyhow, the taxes are done and oh great, I get to claim qualifying widow for the next two years. The things you learn when life throws you a curve ball.

Also this week Trav's marker was installed, the marker is probably the last thing I needed to do for him. I ordered it many months ago after a few months of trying to decide what I wanted -- what he would have wanted. First, I didn't know there would be so many options . . single or double marker, the kind of stone, the type of foundation it sits on, etc. In fact, I went in to the monument place once, got overwhelmed and made up an excuse on why I had to leave. I couldn't get over the fact that I was picking out a headstone for my husband. But I did it and I hope he likes it.





In the past six months, I have slowly went through his clothes and removed them from the dresser. But the other day, one of the drawers wouldn't close all the way and I reached back and found one of his shirts shoved back behind there. It was a shirt he had cut off at the belly so he could sleep with the feeding tube. It made me sad remembering all that he had went through.

When I look out my kitchen window, I can see a four-way stop. Sometimes, when Travis was coming home from work I could see his truck a quarter mile up the road, stop at the stop sign. The other day I saw a silver Ford . . .

Or what about the weather, you know when spring is coming when you can smell it in the air. I was leaving for work and I went to get the paper and I could smell it, and it took me back to all those mornings I was headed to Salt Lake to stay with him in the hospital.

Oh, I don't know - there are many things I can write about here on what takes me back to the good and bad times of the life we had together. I am hoping I will begin to remember more of the good and less of the bad.