Scoli

Around the end of last school year Ashtin came home from school with a note from the school nurse. It notified us that she should be checked for scoliosis. To be honest, I didn't take it too serious. Plus, at the time, I wasn't thinking right, Trav was in the hospital for his resection surgery. As the summer went on Ashtin complained of back pain and I was starting to notice the way she walked and the way one shoulder blade protruded more than the other.



Skip ahead a couple of months, and as it turns out she has a few serious curvatures in her spine to the tune of 44% on the top and 48% on the bottom. Surgery could be in her future, but for the next two years she will be required to wear the brace up to 18 hours per day. Unfortunately, the curves are so severe that she needs to wear the hard plastic brace rather than the flexible brace that would have been more comfortable.



But Ashtin seems to be adjusting well to the brace and hopefully her back stops curving.

Halloween

Here we go with another holiday that is so different from how it used to be.

Dressing up the kids in their costumes.
Barkley dressed up in his skeleton costume.
Trav taking all of them trick or treating
while I stayed home to hand out candy.
The kids coming home with a pillow case full of treats.
Trav talking about the neighbors he chatted with along the way.
Trav complaining about how cold it was.
The kids spreading their candy on the family room floor
and separating it by type.
The kids giving Travis all the Reese's Peanut Butter Cups that he
wanted because they were, "his favorite."
Trav and I going to costume parties and dressing up.
DJ building a snow fort the day of Halloween
and trick or treaters knocking it down -- and Trav wanting
to beat their a$$ for doing it.



And I can't help but think back to last year on Halloween night. Keith (Trav's dad)and I spent most of the afternoon in the waiting room of the Huntsman Center reading magazines while Travis got his PET scan. I remember telling Keith that I just knew that Travis was going to beat this and everything was going to be fine. Maybe I was being overconfident or maybe I just couldn't imagine life without Trav in it. But it has happened and life hasn't been the same. And still it's hard to fathom that he is not here.

Friendscapers

If you have been to our home you know that we have a huge yard. I do not mind being outside and working in the yard. I love gardening and even enjoy mowing the lawn every once in a while. But when you are grieving, you don't feel like doing much of anything.

Our fantastic neighbors helped keep the yard up in the beginning. And since August, we have had someone here weekly cutting and trimming the grass. The idea came about because both Trav and my friends at the base were wondering how they could help. My good friend, Lisa, thought of putting together a schedule so we wouldn't have to worry about our lawn growing out of control.

It really was a god-send. I enjoyed seeing who would show up next with their lawn mowers and weed eaters. Some of them I had never met since many of them were Trav's friends from the area's where he had worked. Some of them were my dear friends of whom I will never forget.

I do apologize for not taking pictures of everyone who came by, but I do appreciate all of you who helped out. The last crew that came by were friends of Travis' from the last shop on base that he was assigned. These folks have been there for us so much this last year.

As the weather starts turning colder, I want everyone to know how much it meant to us and how much we appreciate your hard work. Thanks, friends!

The Word 'Miss'

Many, many times a day, thoughtful people ask me, "How am I doing?". The short answer is, "I'm doing OK or I'm alright."

There are about two handfuls of people that get the long answer. I'm blessed to have this many close family and friends that I can open up to and say how I am really feeling. But even then, it's hard to find the words.

How do you put into words that you miss someone so much that the word "miss" isn't adequate enough? I've looked in the thesaurus and there isn't a word that describes how much I MISS him.

I miss him when I come home from work.
I miss him when something happens at work.
Or walking down the hallway passed the door where he used to work.
I miss him when I am worried about life.
I miss him when DJ starts talking about college.
I miss him when the dogs do something goofy.
I miss him when I have to go places.
I miss him when I play a Matchbox Twenty song over and over.
I miss him when I fill up the van and reset the odometer.
I miss him when his watch goes off at 5:00 p.m. every night.
I miss him when I get stuff in the mail with his name on it.
I miss him when I have to explain how I am feeling to someone else with great detail.
I miss that sweet way he used to talk to my mom when she called on the phone.
I miss him when I see a welding hat he bought but never got to use.
Or shirts in the closet he never got to wear.
I miss him when I see his lunch box in the pantry.
Or his toothbrush in the shower.

The word miss isn't strong enough for the feeling I get in my heart when these things, plus hundreds or more every day, happen.

The word miss just isn't enough.

Eleven

Eleven used to be my lucky number - how can you go wrong with two number 1's? That's what I used to think.

One year ago, yesterday, we walked into a doctor's office thinking that Trav was going to have some scar tissue stretched so food could pass through his esophagus. I remember the day very well. All Travis could talk about that morning we arrived was about how hungry he was - for the procedure he could not eat since the evening before. We checked in with the front desk and were told to go to another room where Travis would get into his gown and fill out some paperwork. I recall that in the room next to us we could overhear a woman saying that many people in her family had cancer and she was going in for a routine colonoscopy. I could hear the nervousness in her voice, probably because of the scope she was having that morning, but maybe because of what they might find that day.

I was told to sit in the waiting room, I brought a book, but I didn't need it. Twelve minutes later, I was told to go back and sit with Travis until he woke up completely. Travis woke up and he said that he dreamt about Texie. We laughed. He said that his chest felt better, we were relieved that it was over. The Dr. appeared and walked up to Travis and said, "Well, Travis we found a tumor in your esophagus, we took a biopsy, but we think it's cancerous. It's at the junction of your stomach and looks to have spread to the stomach." I couldn't believe what my ears just heard, I couldn't process it. The words stomach and cancer went over and over in my head. My dad passed away of stomach cancer 16 years ago. Travis started asking questions, I don't remember all of them but they were like,"It could be benign, right?" Will I need to start chemotherapy?" The doctor tried to answer his questions. I remember the doctor looked me in the eyes. That's when I knew this wasn't good. When I hear shocking news, something weird happens to me, I get this metallic taste in my mouth, and I can feel all the blood drain from my face. Then I started crying, and I haven't stopped yet. That's when I started worrying, and I haven't stopped yet.

The doctor turned to the nurse's station and told them to get Trav set up with an oncologist - we later learned he was the best in the state. The doc wanted some more tests done. Travis being the practical person that he is, he asked him, "I've already taken the day off work, can we go now?" I couldn't stop crying. Trav kept telling me to stop, the nurse handed me a box of tissue's. Trav told the nurse, "She doesn't think I am tough enough, does she?" I couldn't stop crying. He joked around, and kept saying he had a tumor. I couldn't stop crying.

As days come and go, I can't help but think about what we were doing a year ago. Maybe my mind is still trying to catch up to reality. Too much has happened in less than one year - how could our lives be totally different in less than one year? It boggles my mind to think of all the changes. That's why I can only look at the year that has passed and about one day into the future. That's all I can do - that and cry.

Our Eighth

If Travis were here we would have celebrated our eighth wedding anniversary this past weekend. It would have been our weekend without the kids. We probably would have gone to our favorite restaurant, he would have given me a sweet card, that I would later put in my drawer for keeps, and he would have given me a piece of nice jewelry. At dinner, we would have reminisced about the past eight years, reliving those first years of adjusting to a blended family and yet still coming through it as a team.

When Travis and I first started seriously dating, I think he was more serious than I was. I had just gotten past a terrible relationship and really wasn't ready to start dating anyone exclusively. I was a single mom, with a house and car payment - I remember after all the bills were paid I would have a whopping $13.00 left in my checking account. Thank God for my mom who tended DJ for free and fixed me dinner every night after work. Our first "date" was a Wendover trip with his co-workers, after that trip Trav would ask me out on either Monday or Tuesday for the next weekend. As I tell it, he totally monopolized my time. But hey - I thought, "This is cool, I have no money to go out and this guy is buying." I really enjoyed his company and we got into some very deep conversations, but I cared for him more like a friend, than a boyfriend for about three months.

Then came this awesome trip to Vegas over Labor Day weekend. We spent the whole weekend walking up and down the strip, stopping at the bars and laughing. As we walked from casino to casino, with our drinks, I was always looking for the ladies room. We went into The Paris and they were having their grand opening. After finding the restroom, I came out and I almost ran right into Michael Jordan. My jaw must have been on the ground. As soon as he passed my eyes met Travis'. He was looking at me with the biggest grin, holding two beers, by a slot machine. He told everyone that he knew that he wasn't going to go wrong on that trip because I had seen Michael Jordan in the flesh. I don't think neither of us had been to Vegas in awhile, it was the first time we had experienced The Bellagio fountains. That is where we heard "our song", the way the fountains went to the music was fantastic. Can you see the necklaces we have on in this picture? As we walked down Fremont Street, there was a vendor that wrote messages on a grain of rice and then placed them in a vial of oil. We each got one that said, "Follow your heart."

Before that trip, I knew that Travis was a good guy and an awesome dad. After the trip, I realized what a great friend I had, how funny he was and how special he made me feel. I didn't want that trip to end.

We started planning our lives together shortly after, he sold his home and he and the girls moved into my home. One night after we went out, we were in my kitchen, and he handed me a box. I opened it up and there was a necklace with a grain of rice floating in some oil, it read, "Will you marry me?" on one grain and "I love you best." on another grain.

Looking back on those memories, I remember how anxious we were to start our lives. I would never have thought that my dream of marrying my best friend would be cut so short. So, today, instead of reminiscing the past eight years of our marriage with Travis, I am mourning that most of our dreams will never be, by myself. I guess that's what you get when you marry and lose your best friend.

Happy, Happy Birthday Sydnee!

Today begins the dreaded firsts, by that I mean, the first year of occasion's, event's and holiday's without him. When Travis was very ill at the end, Sydnee was hoping that her daddy would be here to celebrate her 12th birthday, but that didn't come to be, but we know he was whispering in her ear, "Happy Birthday, Sydnee."

This past weekend, Sydnee and her good friend, Lexie went to Black Island Farms, where DJ works. They had a great time playing on the slides, hanging out with DJ by the campfire, and going on a hayride and picking out their own pumpkin.

Last night, we had the traditional cake and ice cream/hurry let's open the presents get together. Sydnee finally received the coveted Nintendo DS and of course, a cute card with money from Grandma Carpio which always has a little prayer handwritten at the end.


Happy Birthday, Sweets. I know your 12th birthday wasn't the same, but I hope you have the best day possible. We love you!