Eleven

Eleven used to be my lucky number - how can you go wrong with two number 1's? That's what I used to think.

One year ago, yesterday, we walked into a doctor's office thinking that Trav was going to have some scar tissue stretched so food could pass through his esophagus. I remember the day very well. All Travis could talk about that morning we arrived was about how hungry he was - for the procedure he could not eat since the evening before. We checked in with the front desk and were told to go to another room where Travis would get into his gown and fill out some paperwork. I recall that in the room next to us we could overhear a woman saying that many people in her family had cancer and she was going in for a routine colonoscopy. I could hear the nervousness in her voice, probably because of the scope she was having that morning, but maybe because of what they might find that day.

I was told to sit in the waiting room, I brought a book, but I didn't need it. Twelve minutes later, I was told to go back and sit with Travis until he woke up completely. Travis woke up and he said that he dreamt about Texie. We laughed. He said that his chest felt better, we were relieved that it was over. The Dr. appeared and walked up to Travis and said, "Well, Travis we found a tumor in your esophagus, we took a biopsy, but we think it's cancerous. It's at the junction of your stomach and looks to have spread to the stomach." I couldn't believe what my ears just heard, I couldn't process it. The words stomach and cancer went over and over in my head. My dad passed away of stomach cancer 16 years ago. Travis started asking questions, I don't remember all of them but they were like,"It could be benign, right?" Will I need to start chemotherapy?" The doctor tried to answer his questions. I remember the doctor looked me in the eyes. That's when I knew this wasn't good. When I hear shocking news, something weird happens to me, I get this metallic taste in my mouth, and I can feel all the blood drain from my face. Then I started crying, and I haven't stopped yet. That's when I started worrying, and I haven't stopped yet.

The doctor turned to the nurse's station and told them to get Trav set up with an oncologist - we later learned he was the best in the state. The doc wanted some more tests done. Travis being the practical person that he is, he asked him, "I've already taken the day off work, can we go now?" I couldn't stop crying. Trav kept telling me to stop, the nurse handed me a box of tissue's. Trav told the nurse, "She doesn't think I am tough enough, does she?" I couldn't stop crying. He joked around, and kept saying he had a tumor. I couldn't stop crying.

As days come and go, I can't help but think about what we were doing a year ago. Maybe my mind is still trying to catch up to reality. Too much has happened in less than one year - how could our lives be totally different in less than one year? It boggles my mind to think of all the changes. That's why I can only look at the year that has passed and about one day into the future. That's all I can do - that and cry.