Friendscapers

If you have been to our home you know that we have a huge yard. I do not mind being outside and working in the yard. I love gardening and even enjoy mowing the lawn every once in a while. But when you are grieving, you don't feel like doing much of anything.

Our fantastic neighbors helped keep the yard up in the beginning. And since August, we have had someone here weekly cutting and trimming the grass. The idea came about because both Trav and my friends at the base were wondering how they could help. My good friend, Lisa, thought of putting together a schedule so we wouldn't have to worry about our lawn growing out of control.

It really was a god-send. I enjoyed seeing who would show up next with their lawn mowers and weed eaters. Some of them I had never met since many of them were Trav's friends from the area's where he had worked. Some of them were my dear friends of whom I will never forget.

I do apologize for not taking pictures of everyone who came by, but I do appreciate all of you who helped out. The last crew that came by were friends of Travis' from the last shop on base that he was assigned. These folks have been there for us so much this last year.

As the weather starts turning colder, I want everyone to know how much it meant to us and how much we appreciate your hard work. Thanks, friends!

The Word 'Miss'

Many, many times a day, thoughtful people ask me, "How am I doing?". The short answer is, "I'm doing OK or I'm alright."

There are about two handfuls of people that get the long answer. I'm blessed to have this many close family and friends that I can open up to and say how I am really feeling. But even then, it's hard to find the words.

How do you put into words that you miss someone so much that the word "miss" isn't adequate enough? I've looked in the thesaurus and there isn't a word that describes how much I MISS him.

I miss him when I come home from work.
I miss him when something happens at work.
Or walking down the hallway passed the door where he used to work.
I miss him when I am worried about life.
I miss him when DJ starts talking about college.
I miss him when the dogs do something goofy.
I miss him when I have to go places.
I miss him when I play a Matchbox Twenty song over and over.
I miss him when I fill up the van and reset the odometer.
I miss him when his watch goes off at 5:00 p.m. every night.
I miss him when I get stuff in the mail with his name on it.
I miss him when I have to explain how I am feeling to someone else with great detail.
I miss that sweet way he used to talk to my mom when she called on the phone.
I miss him when I see a welding hat he bought but never got to use.
Or shirts in the closet he never got to wear.
I miss him when I see his lunch box in the pantry.
Or his toothbrush in the shower.

The word miss isn't strong enough for the feeling I get in my heart when these things, plus hundreds or more every day, happen.

The word miss just isn't enough.

Eleven

Eleven used to be my lucky number - how can you go wrong with two number 1's? That's what I used to think.

One year ago, yesterday, we walked into a doctor's office thinking that Trav was going to have some scar tissue stretched so food could pass through his esophagus. I remember the day very well. All Travis could talk about that morning we arrived was about how hungry he was - for the procedure he could not eat since the evening before. We checked in with the front desk and were told to go to another room where Travis would get into his gown and fill out some paperwork. I recall that in the room next to us we could overhear a woman saying that many people in her family had cancer and she was going in for a routine colonoscopy. I could hear the nervousness in her voice, probably because of the scope she was having that morning, but maybe because of what they might find that day.

I was told to sit in the waiting room, I brought a book, but I didn't need it. Twelve minutes later, I was told to go back and sit with Travis until he woke up completely. Travis woke up and he said that he dreamt about Texie. We laughed. He said that his chest felt better, we were relieved that it was over. The Dr. appeared and walked up to Travis and said, "Well, Travis we found a tumor in your esophagus, we took a biopsy, but we think it's cancerous. It's at the junction of your stomach and looks to have spread to the stomach." I couldn't believe what my ears just heard, I couldn't process it. The words stomach and cancer went over and over in my head. My dad passed away of stomach cancer 16 years ago. Travis started asking questions, I don't remember all of them but they were like,"It could be benign, right?" Will I need to start chemotherapy?" The doctor tried to answer his questions. I remember the doctor looked me in the eyes. That's when I knew this wasn't good. When I hear shocking news, something weird happens to me, I get this metallic taste in my mouth, and I can feel all the blood drain from my face. Then I started crying, and I haven't stopped yet. That's when I started worrying, and I haven't stopped yet.

The doctor turned to the nurse's station and told them to get Trav set up with an oncologist - we later learned he was the best in the state. The doc wanted some more tests done. Travis being the practical person that he is, he asked him, "I've already taken the day off work, can we go now?" I couldn't stop crying. Trav kept telling me to stop, the nurse handed me a box of tissue's. Trav told the nurse, "She doesn't think I am tough enough, does she?" I couldn't stop crying. He joked around, and kept saying he had a tumor. I couldn't stop crying.

As days come and go, I can't help but think about what we were doing a year ago. Maybe my mind is still trying to catch up to reality. Too much has happened in less than one year - how could our lives be totally different in less than one year? It boggles my mind to think of all the changes. That's why I can only look at the year that has passed and about one day into the future. That's all I can do - that and cry.

Our Eighth

If Travis were here we would have celebrated our eighth wedding anniversary this past weekend. It would have been our weekend without the kids. We probably would have gone to our favorite restaurant, he would have given me a sweet card, that I would later put in my drawer for keeps, and he would have given me a piece of nice jewelry. At dinner, we would have reminisced about the past eight years, reliving those first years of adjusting to a blended family and yet still coming through it as a team.

When Travis and I first started seriously dating, I think he was more serious than I was. I had just gotten past a terrible relationship and really wasn't ready to start dating anyone exclusively. I was a single mom, with a house and car payment - I remember after all the bills were paid I would have a whopping $13.00 left in my checking account. Thank God for my mom who tended DJ for free and fixed me dinner every night after work. Our first "date" was a Wendover trip with his co-workers, after that trip Trav would ask me out on either Monday or Tuesday for the next weekend. As I tell it, he totally monopolized my time. But hey - I thought, "This is cool, I have no money to go out and this guy is buying." I really enjoyed his company and we got into some very deep conversations, but I cared for him more like a friend, than a boyfriend for about three months.

Then came this awesome trip to Vegas over Labor Day weekend. We spent the whole weekend walking up and down the strip, stopping at the bars and laughing. As we walked from casino to casino, with our drinks, I was always looking for the ladies room. We went into The Paris and they were having their grand opening. After finding the restroom, I came out and I almost ran right into Michael Jordan. My jaw must have been on the ground. As soon as he passed my eyes met Travis'. He was looking at me with the biggest grin, holding two beers, by a slot machine. He told everyone that he knew that he wasn't going to go wrong on that trip because I had seen Michael Jordan in the flesh. I don't think neither of us had been to Vegas in awhile, it was the first time we had experienced The Bellagio fountains. That is where we heard "our song", the way the fountains went to the music was fantastic. Can you see the necklaces we have on in this picture? As we walked down Fremont Street, there was a vendor that wrote messages on a grain of rice and then placed them in a vial of oil. We each got one that said, "Follow your heart."

Before that trip, I knew that Travis was a good guy and an awesome dad. After the trip, I realized what a great friend I had, how funny he was and how special he made me feel. I didn't want that trip to end.

We started planning our lives together shortly after, he sold his home and he and the girls moved into my home. One night after we went out, we were in my kitchen, and he handed me a box. I opened it up and there was a necklace with a grain of rice floating in some oil, it read, "Will you marry me?" on one grain and "I love you best." on another grain.

Looking back on those memories, I remember how anxious we were to start our lives. I would never have thought that my dream of marrying my best friend would be cut so short. So, today, instead of reminiscing the past eight years of our marriage with Travis, I am mourning that most of our dreams will never be, by myself. I guess that's what you get when you marry and lose your best friend.

Happy, Happy Birthday Sydnee!

Today begins the dreaded firsts, by that I mean, the first year of occasion's, event's and holiday's without him. When Travis was very ill at the end, Sydnee was hoping that her daddy would be here to celebrate her 12th birthday, but that didn't come to be, but we know he was whispering in her ear, "Happy Birthday, Sydnee."

This past weekend, Sydnee and her good friend, Lexie went to Black Island Farms, where DJ works. They had a great time playing on the slides, hanging out with DJ by the campfire, and going on a hayride and picking out their own pumpkin.

Last night, we had the traditional cake and ice cream/hurry let's open the presents get together. Sydnee finally received the coveted Nintendo DS and of course, a cute card with money from Grandma Carpio which always has a little prayer handwritten at the end.


Happy Birthday, Sweets. I know your 12th birthday wasn't the same, but I hope you have the best day possible. We love you!

Back at It

When we were told that Trav didn't have much time, we started making his funeral arrangements. Trav's wishes were to be buried in our city cemetary, he said. "So, on your way to work and on your drive home you can wave to me." Today, being my first day back to work, of course, I couldn't just drive by and wave, I had to get out and ask him for some help and to wish me luck. I knew it was going to be a difficult day, it's hard to get back into the old routine when nothing is the same anymore.

I have two offices in two different buildings, Monday - Wednesday Trav and I worked in the same building. Walking into my office, I thought, the last time I was here I still had a husband, I also had the world on my shoulders, but at least I had him here. He'd call me during first break and the sound of his voice always made my morning better. I can still hear the smile in his voice telling me, "Good Morning, Babe!" We'd talk about the dreams we had the night before, the dog snoring or licking all night, the wind, the rain, just whatever.

Travis would eat his lunch during first break and come visit me during lunch, he would walk in with his hoodie and hat on, and grab a handful of mints off my table and sit down and B.S. with me. I'd receive text messages throughout the day, about silly stuff or him just telling me that he loved me. We'd meet up at home and he'd be sitting on the couch, watching t.v. He'd never get tired of telling me how he scared the crap out of the dog sneaking in the house and yelling "Morning, Pup!" I think Travis was jealous of Barkley because he got to sleep all day. I'd always tell him to stop, that he might give Barkley a heart attack, but I didn't mean it, I thought it was funny, too. It's the simple things that you miss.

A month ago, I had the weight of the world on my shoulders, now that weight has moved to my heart. I guess I just need to keep moving forward, and take it one day at a time. People are telling me it's going to take time and it will get easier, but I'm not feelin' that right now. This past week I've come to the realization that he's not coming back, the only consolation I have is the encouragement of close family and friends, the kids, knowing that he is with me wherever I go and seeing him again.

Gage E.

A few months back the kids and I decided that we needed a new dog to add to our family. We love our Barkley, but a 14 year old dog just isn't as exciting as he used to be. When we were thinking about getting a new dog, Travis was still recovering from his surgery and was going to bed around 6:30 p.m. The girl's were usually at their friends and DJ was either at the skate park or working, so it was usually me home alone in a quiet house.

Trav and I used to take a nightly walk around the track behind our home. That was our time to talk about our day without any interruptions. Travis didn't have the energy for a walk after surgery, and frankly neither did Barkley, but I missed the walks and decided we should get a larger dog. I planned to train the dog to walk well on the leash for when Trav got better and then we would all three go together.

We found Gage E. rather quickly, he is a beautiful yellow Lab, with lighter fur on his shoulder blades. The previous owners called them his racing stripes. Oh and he is a pure lab, he loves the kids, they each get a special greeting every morning and when they walk through the door every night. And the boy loves water, he is fascinated by the sprinklers and hoses.

And the best retriever you can ask for, he brings you things that you didn't know you had! He likes to go down in the kids' rooms and bring up all their garbage in their rooms and they tell me their rooms are clean. I don't think so! Gage's favorite things are empty water bottles and stuffed animals. Oh, and he has a lot of growing up to do, I think each of us has lost at least one pair of shoes, one weekend I lost two.

Our lives have been really turned upside down, but having Gage around has provided a little humor and some well needed distraction. The other day, DJ gave Gage a stick which started out to be five feet long and you would have thought Gage had the greatest bone in the world. He pranced back and forth with that stick for two days.

When Trav and I used to walk around the track, I used to beg him to go one more time around, but he usually said, "No, let's get home." We would also see pheasants in the field behind us and Trav would say, "I wish I had my shotgun." And now, when I am walking Gage as soon we do one lap he is pulling to get home and when he sees a pheasant, I know he is thinking, "Man, I wish she would let me go."

I'm still alone at night, but I have two dogs that provide a little comfort. And people ask "Are you sleeping OK?" Or, "You're not staying in bed all day, are you?" No, when you have this 70 lb puppy looking at you to start the day, how can you pull the covers over your head and pretend it was a dream, but I wish I could sometimes. And when Gage and I are taking a walk, it continues to be my time with Travis. I imagine him holding my hand while I tell him about my day. It usually ends with tears, but I feel better, and Gage doesn't seem to mind.