Back at It

When we were told that Trav didn't have much time, we started making his funeral arrangements. Trav's wishes were to be buried in our city cemetary, he said. "So, on your way to work and on your drive home you can wave to me." Today, being my first day back to work, of course, I couldn't just drive by and wave, I had to get out and ask him for some help and to wish me luck. I knew it was going to be a difficult day, it's hard to get back into the old routine when nothing is the same anymore.

I have two offices in two different buildings, Monday - Wednesday Trav and I worked in the same building. Walking into my office, I thought, the last time I was here I still had a husband, I also had the world on my shoulders, but at least I had him here. He'd call me during first break and the sound of his voice always made my morning better. I can still hear the smile in his voice telling me, "Good Morning, Babe!" We'd talk about the dreams we had the night before, the dog snoring or licking all night, the wind, the rain, just whatever.

Travis would eat his lunch during first break and come visit me during lunch, he would walk in with his hoodie and hat on, and grab a handful of mints off my table and sit down and B.S. with me. I'd receive text messages throughout the day, about silly stuff or him just telling me that he loved me. We'd meet up at home and he'd be sitting on the couch, watching t.v. He'd never get tired of telling me how he scared the crap out of the dog sneaking in the house and yelling "Morning, Pup!" I think Travis was jealous of Barkley because he got to sleep all day. I'd always tell him to stop, that he might give Barkley a heart attack, but I didn't mean it, I thought it was funny, too. It's the simple things that you miss.

A month ago, I had the weight of the world on my shoulders, now that weight has moved to my heart. I guess I just need to keep moving forward, and take it one day at a time. People are telling me it's going to take time and it will get easier, but I'm not feelin' that right now. This past week I've come to the realization that he's not coming back, the only consolation I have is the encouragement of close family and friends, the kids, knowing that he is with me wherever I go and seeing him again.