You Know It's Been Awhile ....

You know it's been awhile when you forget the password to your own blog. Sheesh, where has the summer gone? What started out as a rainy, depressing season turned out (for me, anyway) to be a pleasant detour full of great times and lots of friends.

I don't know what is prompting me to write today....I went to sleep around my usual weekend hour, after watching a somewhat suspenseful movie with the kids. And like normal I usually can't sleep past 6. Normally, I hear little sounds prompting me to "Wake up." and as I raise my head I look to my bedroom door and see a silhouette of a dog with his tail wagging and two ears at attention. But today it was different, I could hear my lazy dog sleeping on the ground next to me, and I just laid there and began to think. Think about all that has happened to us.

I know what prompted me to go there. I talked to a woman in my new organization at the base who is going into surgery and will later face chemotherapy for the third time in her quest to kick ovarian cancer. We talked for sometime on her story and mine. She asked how I could talk to her so matter of factly about it all. I didn't have an answer...I only suspect that God has given me the ability to talk about my experience to others and maybe give them a little solace in that they are not alone. I could see in her eyes, that she needed to talk about it. She even said that its was nice that she could talk about with someone who has gone through it. Have I shed a few tears after the conversation? Uh, ya. The FEAR will never go away, the feeling of hopelessness will always be there, the damage of what worry, stress and anguish caused is merely covered by what seems like a band-aid. It can be covered up but it's always under there, and sometimes you have to peek at to see how it's healing.

So, what have we been doing this fine summer....let's see. My job has been going great, I have enjoyed learning what the other side of the base is like, it's a whole new world. My newly acquired friends are a great bunch, at their urging I started riding a bike and twice a week we tackle an 11 mile ride around the perimeter of the base. I didn't think I could do it, but I did and it's getting easier...and I love it. DJ got a job on base as a summer-hire. He says its the easiest job he has ever had and that paid the most. Ah...he's learning. After three seasons working at a local agricultural farm in 90 degree heat for minimum wage, he can see that there might be other jobs better suited for him.

With DJ's first check, he bought another car! Not with my permission, mind you. Ya, got a little upset with that one, I mean, how many cars does one kid need? But he did it. And then this revalation came to me, "Wow, this kid is growing up." Sometimes, he is not going to NEED my permission to do anything. He might have to actually start having to make his own decisions and consequently his own mistakes. I might have to loosen those strings a little. I, of course, relayed that to DJ but not in not so nice of terms. I think the conversation went, "If you can buy your own car, then that means you can buy yourself everything." With that, you are now old enough to figure out where your gas money is coming from and other monetary kick backs I've been giving you." DJ will be a senior this year, and to be honest I had tears in my eyes writing out the check for registration. I can't believe he has grown up so fast.

Summer has also brought more time that I can spend with the girls. No school means a more lacks schedule, where they can hang out here for a few extra days. In every single way, except one of course, life is how it used to me. Kids in and out, empty glasses of ice water on the counters, flip flops everywhere, bikes in the driveway...well, you get the picture. Summer is a busy time and maybe that's why I've felt so good lately. I have realized that I must stay busy. How convenient is it that the nights are longer AND you have 10 things that you must do every night! Water the flowers, check on the garden, and walk the dog, just to name a few...and of course, I usually end it by sitting on my back patio with a glass of wine.

Since I haven't been on the blog, where have I been? My laptop has a permanent place on my kitchen table (is that tacky?). And every night, throughout the night, I check to see what me "friends" are up to. Yep, I'm a Facebook freak. I keep up to date on what my buddies are doing for the weekend, I get ideas on what I would like to do .... like hiking or shopping. I have caught up with old high school friends and am astounded on how much they have accomplished and the different, different lives they lead from mine.

I have this philosophy about stuff. And it goes along with this blog and people in our lives, as well. This blog was there for me to give you updates on Travis, then it gave me an outlet to write about my feelings, and gave you an idea on what it's like to lose someone so close. And what about the people in our lives??? Look back, if you are older, like me, you can think of old friends and the times you spent with them and the great contribution they made in your life. But where are they now? Isn't it funny, that they are no longer around you? My philosophy is that people come in and out of our lives when you need each other. Rarely, do people (other than family) stay for the duration of your life, or theirs. And I tear up to think that my husband was one of those people that God chose to keep in my life here on earth for only a short time. I always wonder why he wasn't one of those ones who I could have for the duration. Yep, I still wonder, why. I of course really wonder WHY He chose to take a good father away from his kids. That gets me a little fired up, to say the least. But I guess where I am going with this is that I don't know how long I will need this blog...life is continuing to evolve. I have given up on planning for the future - I still can't see a year from now. I don't know where I will be, what I will be doing, who or what I will need to get through it.

So, don't be surprised if one day, this blog is gone. For right now, you can look for me on FB...after that, who knows.

New Job

In a week from now I will be starting a new job...the opportunity just presented itself, that is just how my career has gone, things just happen. As I look back I realize how blessed I have been. For the most part I have had great supervisors who want to see me succeed. Could I have endured a new job a year ago? No way. But now, I THINK, I can handle it. I've been with this organization for many years. The last time I made this big of a jump I had Travis to fall back on. Seven years ago I changed organizations in the middle of December. The holidays. When everyone has a hard time focusing. Office parties, gift exchanges, potlucks. No one knew me and I didn't know anyone and I remember talking to Travis on the phone, or should I say crying on the phone to him, telling him how much I hated it. I remember him saying, "Well, then go back to your old job. They liked you over there and you were happy." Of course, I stuck it out, but it was nice knowing that if I DID want to go back, he was OK with it.

That's just how Travis was...always supportive of whatever I wanted. When I had a chance for a new position we would talk about it and he always said, "Babe, you do whatever you want to do...Ya, the money would be nice, but you do whatever makes you happy."

But let's face it, now the situation is different. I don't have another person to fall back on, another income to help make ends meet. It's all up to me, unfortunately. However, I am a true believer in things happening for a reason, and maybe this opportunity is happening now for a reason. Maybe Travis has something to do with it, who knows? All I know is that he is rooting for me, and saying I can do this...

A Short One

I'm going to do a quick post here ... I'm sure everyone has been dying to know what has been going on in my life... On my last post I wrote that I was good, and I still am. But it's funny how as soon as you write how good you feel...a few days later you don't think you can go on. That's grief for ya. Sneaky bugger.

It can be something as simple as passing a guy who has the same goatee ... or shall I say one of the many goatee styles that Trav sported. Or a guy with a ball cap and a black hoodie on the front steps of my building at work. Or seeing a picture of flames on a mailbox or on a truck... or a loud chopper driving by...

So, there ya go...a short post to say that I'm good and that I miss him ....

So . . . I'm Good.

Finally...I'm good when people ask me how I am. Not just alright, hangin' in there, or taking it day-by-day. Do I feel a twinge of guilt when I say that I am good? Yep, I sure do. But I am told that that is to be expected. Keith and Linda came over yesterday and my cool neighbor asked how she was doing and she said, "Good." I don't know if she just said that or if she really was at that moment in time. But I hope she is feeling better.

Don't get me wrong, I do have bad days, and terrible moments. Take the week leading up to my 40th birthday - that was rough. Last year Trav was recovering from his second surgery to fix that damn leak, and even in his medicinal deliriousness he wrote me "Happy Birthday" messages. I have pages of notes from him telling the nurses that it was my birthday. I know it was on his mind that he was missin' it. And I couldn't help thinking that he was feeling the same way this year, too. In year's past he would be asking me about a month ahead what I wanted for my birthday. He'd get pissed that I would come home with something I had bought because he wanted to get it for me for my birthday. Ya, this year was a bit different. Gage and I took a walk up to his grave that morning. It was the first time I ever felt a little bit angry at him. It was all of about 15 seconds and then it was over. Thank goodness my birthday fell on Easter, whew! It was a good excuse to have a family get together and celebrate my 40th. I'm always in awe of how my family thinks of me so much.



Anyway, back to how I am good. The other day I realized that I don't shake my head no when I think of Trav being gone. I guess that means I'm getting used to the idea. Pretty good as we enter the 8th month without him. Did I tell ya I am a slow learner? DJ and I have a system going on around here. I call it a definite partnership. I do have to ask him to do stuff around the house, but sometimes things just get done without me nagging. Yes!

I have noticed that I have become a little more particular about order and cleanliness. Although, you might not notice when you walk in my house right away, I have become a little bit of a person that has to do certain things on a certain day. Hard to explain but I think it's because that I am the one who is responsible for it all. Also, I have come to the realization that I need to take a day off from work every so often just to get caught up on everything.

Maybe after a year of uncertainty, I am trying to gain control of what I can. Deej and I have developed a routine that seems to be working and helping us heal. That's all we want - to heal.

My Hero

The following is a poem that was written by our niece, Cierra. She read the poem at her choir concert and did an awesome job. It's great to know that Travis is still remembered. He would have been very honored as well as touched by Cierra's words. I know we were. Thanks, Sweetie.

My Hero

My Hero is my Uncle Travis Beus who lost his courageous battle to esphageal cancer. He is my Hero because even though he was sick in bed at the hospital he still managed to keep a smile on his face and take care of his wife and three kids.

He said he was glad it was him who had cancer and not a child or someone in his family.

Something Travis often said was "Life is exactly that, Up's and down's so enjoy with all your soul the up's" - Travis-

And with losing my Uncle Travis, God proved to me that he only takes the BEST!!

Spring Forward

The calendar says that spring is here, although by the temperature today you wouldn't know it. As the days have worn on, I am feeling better about the change in the season. If our yard wasn't looking too great Trav would say, "Man, our yard looks like a vacant lot." Well, I couldn't have that on my shoulders! On one of those very few 60 degrees days I worked in the yard to do a few things and ended up out there for six hours. All day long I thought about Travis, kinda like WWJD, but it was WWTD. Although, Travis and I didn't always agree on how to do things - his way was, "How can I do this in the least amount of time and spend the least amount of money."

At the end of March, we celebrated DJ's and Ashtin's birthday. They are so lucky to have to celebrate their birthdays together, since one is on the 29th and one on the 30th.
You see the family picture off to the side? That was at their birthday party last year just a few days before his resection surgery. My how life has changed. Last year, I was almost looking forward to the surgery so we could get it behind us. So, we could get cancer behind us and start living again. I truly thought that Trav would beat it. The thought of Travis not would be there only for a millisecond. Was it denial? Maybe. Was it for survival? Probably.

I am looking forward to doing a few small projects in our home this spring and summer. Projects that Travis and I had talked about, but never got to start. Lately, I have had to make some decisions without him, but I just try to "channel" him for help. It seems to be working out just fine.

Six Months Down and a Lifetime to Go...

This past week another mile marker came and went . . . six months. What a big week it was, for instance I had to get my taxes done. It was one of the things I was truly dreading. The thought of going through last year's paperwork made me ill, and so I put it off for longer than usual. I find that I procrastinate more than I used to, I think maybe it comes with everything else that I am going through. This year was the first time I ever payed someone else to do them. It was such a different year - I didn't want to dork them up. And just like I had anticipated, it was very difficult. First, I had to go through all the medical bills and find all of our out-of-pocket expenses. That was fun - reliving chemotherapy, radiation and stays at the hospital. Let's not forget while in the hospital, daily XRAYs and finger pricks (God, he hated those). I decided to go through bank statements to make sure I didn't miss anything. Here I find charges on his credit card at restaurants and home improvement stores. He felt pretty good in March - we went to the Dodge National Circuit Finals Rodeo and the Matchbox Twenty concert. Anyhow, the taxes are done and oh great, I get to claim qualifying widow for the next two years. The things you learn when life throws you a curve ball.

Also this week Trav's marker was installed, the marker is probably the last thing I needed to do for him. I ordered it many months ago after a few months of trying to decide what I wanted -- what he would have wanted. First, I didn't know there would be so many options . . single or double marker, the kind of stone, the type of foundation it sits on, etc. In fact, I went in to the monument place once, got overwhelmed and made up an excuse on why I had to leave. I couldn't get over the fact that I was picking out a headstone for my husband. But I did it and I hope he likes it.





In the past six months, I have slowly went through his clothes and removed them from the dresser. But the other day, one of the drawers wouldn't close all the way and I reached back and found one of his shirts shoved back behind there. It was a shirt he had cut off at the belly so he could sleep with the feeding tube. It made me sad remembering all that he had went through.

When I look out my kitchen window, I can see a four-way stop. Sometimes, when Travis was coming home from work I could see his truck a quarter mile up the road, stop at the stop sign. The other day I saw a silver Ford . . .

Or what about the weather, you know when spring is coming when you can smell it in the air. I was leaving for work and I went to get the paper and I could smell it, and it took me back to all those mornings I was headed to Salt Lake to stay with him in the hospital.

Oh, I don't know - there are many things I can write about here on what takes me back to the good and bad times of the life we had together. I am hoping I will begin to remember more of the good and less of the bad.