So . . . I'm Good.

Finally...I'm good when people ask me how I am. Not just alright, hangin' in there, or taking it day-by-day. Do I feel a twinge of guilt when I say that I am good? Yep, I sure do. But I am told that that is to be expected. Keith and Linda came over yesterday and my cool neighbor asked how she was doing and she said, "Good." I don't know if she just said that or if she really was at that moment in time. But I hope she is feeling better.

Don't get me wrong, I do have bad days, and terrible moments. Take the week leading up to my 40th birthday - that was rough. Last year Trav was recovering from his second surgery to fix that damn leak, and even in his medicinal deliriousness he wrote me "Happy Birthday" messages. I have pages of notes from him telling the nurses that it was my birthday. I know it was on his mind that he was missin' it. And I couldn't help thinking that he was feeling the same way this year, too. In year's past he would be asking me about a month ahead what I wanted for my birthday. He'd get pissed that I would come home with something I had bought because he wanted to get it for me for my birthday. Ya, this year was a bit different. Gage and I took a walk up to his grave that morning. It was the first time I ever felt a little bit angry at him. It was all of about 15 seconds and then it was over. Thank goodness my birthday fell on Easter, whew! It was a good excuse to have a family get together and celebrate my 40th. I'm always in awe of how my family thinks of me so much.



Anyway, back to how I am good. The other day I realized that I don't shake my head no when I think of Trav being gone. I guess that means I'm getting used to the idea. Pretty good as we enter the 8th month without him. Did I tell ya I am a slow learner? DJ and I have a system going on around here. I call it a definite partnership. I do have to ask him to do stuff around the house, but sometimes things just get done without me nagging. Yes!

I have noticed that I have become a little more particular about order and cleanliness. Although, you might not notice when you walk in my house right away, I have become a little bit of a person that has to do certain things on a certain day. Hard to explain but I think it's because that I am the one who is responsible for it all. Also, I have come to the realization that I need to take a day off from work every so often just to get caught up on everything.

Maybe after a year of uncertainty, I am trying to gain control of what I can. Deej and I have developed a routine that seems to be working and helping us heal. That's all we want - to heal.

My Hero

The following is a poem that was written by our niece, Cierra. She read the poem at her choir concert and did an awesome job. It's great to know that Travis is still remembered. He would have been very honored as well as touched by Cierra's words. I know we were. Thanks, Sweetie.

My Hero

My Hero is my Uncle Travis Beus who lost his courageous battle to esphageal cancer. He is my Hero because even though he was sick in bed at the hospital he still managed to keep a smile on his face and take care of his wife and three kids.

He said he was glad it was him who had cancer and not a child or someone in his family.

Something Travis often said was "Life is exactly that, Up's and down's so enjoy with all your soul the up's" - Travis-

And with losing my Uncle Travis, God proved to me that he only takes the BEST!!

Spring Forward

The calendar says that spring is here, although by the temperature today you wouldn't know it. As the days have worn on, I am feeling better about the change in the season. If our yard wasn't looking too great Trav would say, "Man, our yard looks like a vacant lot." Well, I couldn't have that on my shoulders! On one of those very few 60 degrees days I worked in the yard to do a few things and ended up out there for six hours. All day long I thought about Travis, kinda like WWJD, but it was WWTD. Although, Travis and I didn't always agree on how to do things - his way was, "How can I do this in the least amount of time and spend the least amount of money."

At the end of March, we celebrated DJ's and Ashtin's birthday. They are so lucky to have to celebrate their birthdays together, since one is on the 29th and one on the 30th.
You see the family picture off to the side? That was at their birthday party last year just a few days before his resection surgery. My how life has changed. Last year, I was almost looking forward to the surgery so we could get it behind us. So, we could get cancer behind us and start living again. I truly thought that Trav would beat it. The thought of Travis not would be there only for a millisecond. Was it denial? Maybe. Was it for survival? Probably.

I am looking forward to doing a few small projects in our home this spring and summer. Projects that Travis and I had talked about, but never got to start. Lately, I have had to make some decisions without him, but I just try to "channel" him for help. It seems to be working out just fine.

Six Months Down and a Lifetime to Go...

This past week another mile marker came and went . . . six months. What a big week it was, for instance I had to get my taxes done. It was one of the things I was truly dreading. The thought of going through last year's paperwork made me ill, and so I put it off for longer than usual. I find that I procrastinate more than I used to, I think maybe it comes with everything else that I am going through. This year was the first time I ever payed someone else to do them. It was such a different year - I didn't want to dork them up. And just like I had anticipated, it was very difficult. First, I had to go through all the medical bills and find all of our out-of-pocket expenses. That was fun - reliving chemotherapy, radiation and stays at the hospital. Let's not forget while in the hospital, daily XRAYs and finger pricks (God, he hated those). I decided to go through bank statements to make sure I didn't miss anything. Here I find charges on his credit card at restaurants and home improvement stores. He felt pretty good in March - we went to the Dodge National Circuit Finals Rodeo and the Matchbox Twenty concert. Anyhow, the taxes are done and oh great, I get to claim qualifying widow for the next two years. The things you learn when life throws you a curve ball.

Also this week Trav's marker was installed, the marker is probably the last thing I needed to do for him. I ordered it many months ago after a few months of trying to decide what I wanted -- what he would have wanted. First, I didn't know there would be so many options . . single or double marker, the kind of stone, the type of foundation it sits on, etc. In fact, I went in to the monument place once, got overwhelmed and made up an excuse on why I had to leave. I couldn't get over the fact that I was picking out a headstone for my husband. But I did it and I hope he likes it.





In the past six months, I have slowly went through his clothes and removed them from the dresser. But the other day, one of the drawers wouldn't close all the way and I reached back and found one of his shirts shoved back behind there. It was a shirt he had cut off at the belly so he could sleep with the feeding tube. It made me sad remembering all that he had went through.

When I look out my kitchen window, I can see a four-way stop. Sometimes, when Travis was coming home from work I could see his truck a quarter mile up the road, stop at the stop sign. The other day I saw a silver Ford . . .

Or what about the weather, you know when spring is coming when you can smell it in the air. I was leaving for work and I went to get the paper and I could smell it, and it took me back to all those mornings I was headed to Salt Lake to stay with him in the hospital.

Oh, I don't know - there are many things I can write about here on what takes me back to the good and bad times of the life we had together. I am hoping I will begin to remember more of the good and less of the bad.

I'm Gonna Go There . . .

Whoa, it's kind of been a long time since I posted. I've been contemplating whether I should write about this subject, but it has come up a few times in the last three weeks, so I guess I'm gonna go there.

A few friends/family members have brought up the subject of the future - mainly dating again. Now, let me just say that I don't think I am ready for that, yet. I still wear my wedding ring & I had Trav's wedding ring sized so I can wear his, as well. For the most part, I still feel like I am married. I have read that one day that will fade -- and I will begin yet another relationship with Travis.

One close friend stated that he doesn't know if there is anyone out there "good enough" for me to date. Another family member said, "they feel sorry for who ever comes after Travis." Let me just say that I have pondered these thoughts, too. I just didn't think everyone else was thinking them, as well. Now, no one is perfect, and contrary to what some might think, either was Travis. But, hey, he was the answer to my prayers and that's really all that counts.

I'm coming up on the sixth month being without him. Month after month I can feel myself healing and it's only normal to look towards what the future may bring. How can I not think if there is a man with broad enough shoulders for all of my baggage? I thought I had baggage before Travis, holy heck, look at my crap, now! I've already thought about what has to happen, the next person will have to be totally alright with the feelings I have in my heart for Travis. I mean, you can't really expect a person who was totally in love with someone and a tragic thing like cancer happen and all those feeling go away. IF that person is not out there -- then I'm OK with what I have. There can be no other way.

I suppose whatever happens, will happen. And it will happen in its own time and that is A-OK with me, I'm not in any hurry.

First Dance

Sometimes I wonder what heaven is like and what Travis is doing. I know he is with us, but I wonder if it's constant or does he pop in and out whenever he has a minute, or two.

A few weeks ago, we had a pretty big event, DJ's first dance. He was asked by his friend, Taylor, to go to Preference on Valentine's Day.



I could only imagine what Trav would have said to DJ as he was getting ready to pick her up. I know he would have said that "he looked sharp." He would have said to me that DJ is growing up, and I probably would have gotten a hug. Ya, so here we begin with the occasions of imagining what he would have said....

After the all the hub-ub was over and I was by myself, I got this feeling like he was right there with me. I could almost carry on a conversation with him about the big night that we had. And for the first time I realized that occasions such as these shouldn't be looked at as times that he is missing, but times where I know he is with us - just like before.

Things to Do

The other day I was talking to a mom whose son is in his twenties and is in his last days of his life here. He has cancer. We were conversing, we have a common ground, losing someone we love to cancer. As we talked, we shared the feelings of watching them slip away, watching them suffer, trying to provide them any kind of comfort you can think of, anything to make it better. She talked about medications, funeral arrangements and then she said, "I think that he has some things he needs to get done and then it will be time." That's got me thinking. If you knew Travis, you know how he loved his lists. He received a rash of you know what for his lists, but he never quit doing them. I wonder if a list is what we receive before we are born? Do you think that the faster we get through the list, the sooner we leave this place? Why are some people's lists shorter than other's? Is is because some tasks are harder to complete? Would you want to know what is on your list?

I remember a conversation Travis and I had after the doctor had found the spots on his lungs. He was sitting in his recliner and I was having a melt down. And I asked him, "Don't you wonder why this is happening to us? Why?!" And he said calmly, "You know, I don't know, maybe it's because I got all that I asked for." Now, that has me thinking, do we have control of what goes on our list of things we need to get accomplished?

Looking back at the past few years of our lives, I get an eerie feeling that things were falling into place for cancer and after. He used to work in industries where you didn't have an awful amount of sick time, but two years prior to cancer, that changed. Another big endeavor was the six month remodel of our home, he couldn't wait to get it done, a few months after it was complete - he was diagnosed. Damn it. If we'd known, we would have put it all off for another 40 years. If we would have known.

Ya, I know everyone has had heard the saying, "Ours is not to wonder why . . " But I do.

So, back to the conversation while he is in his recliner and me with my melt down, he said, "I just want you to remember, that whatever happens, I love you - always remember that, OK?"

OK, Travis, I love you, too.

The Long Pause

OK - so I am 39 and a widow and I hate it. And this is one of the reasons why. If you met me for the first time you wouldn't know that I lost my busband 4 months ago by looking at me. I usually smile, a lot. Thank God I was blessed with good teeth. In my job I meet new people everyday - that's what I LOVE about my job. And in my initial conversation with a new friend I don't say. "Oh by the way, I'm getting through the worst year of my life, my husband fought cancer and passed away, and I'm missing him every minute - tell me about yourself." I don't want to go there. Or should I? Because inevitably, it will go there. It might be that same day or the next week when it does surface. You get talking about family and kids and then I have to say it. "No, I'm not married, I'm a widow." I know - I'm so young and so was he - only 36. And there it is - an awkwardness, a long pause, I can see the other person searching for words of what to say next. Damn it. I don't want people to feel that way around me - I want people to like me, not feel sorry for me. So, I try to tell them, "Hey, it's OK - I'm getting through it." And I smile. They always say, "Wow, it looks like you are handling it well -- it hasn't been that long." Yep, I am, I guess. What else am I supposed to do?