Six Months Down and a Lifetime to Go...

This past week another mile marker came and went . . . six months. What a big week it was, for instance I had to get my taxes done. It was one of the things I was truly dreading. The thought of going through last year's paperwork made me ill, and so I put it off for longer than usual. I find that I procrastinate more than I used to, I think maybe it comes with everything else that I am going through. This year was the first time I ever payed someone else to do them. It was such a different year - I didn't want to dork them up. And just like I had anticipated, it was very difficult. First, I had to go through all the medical bills and find all of our out-of-pocket expenses. That was fun - reliving chemotherapy, radiation and stays at the hospital. Let's not forget while in the hospital, daily XRAYs and finger pricks (God, he hated those). I decided to go through bank statements to make sure I didn't miss anything. Here I find charges on his credit card at restaurants and home improvement stores. He felt pretty good in March - we went to the Dodge National Circuit Finals Rodeo and the Matchbox Twenty concert. Anyhow, the taxes are done and oh great, I get to claim qualifying widow for the next two years. The things you learn when life throws you a curve ball.

Also this week Trav's marker was installed, the marker is probably the last thing I needed to do for him. I ordered it many months ago after a few months of trying to decide what I wanted -- what he would have wanted. First, I didn't know there would be so many options . . single or double marker, the kind of stone, the type of foundation it sits on, etc. In fact, I went in to the monument place once, got overwhelmed and made up an excuse on why I had to leave. I couldn't get over the fact that I was picking out a headstone for my husband. But I did it and I hope he likes it.





In the past six months, I have slowly went through his clothes and removed them from the dresser. But the other day, one of the drawers wouldn't close all the way and I reached back and found one of his shirts shoved back behind there. It was a shirt he had cut off at the belly so he could sleep with the feeding tube. It made me sad remembering all that he had went through.

When I look out my kitchen window, I can see a four-way stop. Sometimes, when Travis was coming home from work I could see his truck a quarter mile up the road, stop at the stop sign. The other day I saw a silver Ford . . .

Or what about the weather, you know when spring is coming when you can smell it in the air. I was leaving for work and I went to get the paper and I could smell it, and it took me back to all those mornings I was headed to Salt Lake to stay with him in the hospital.

Oh, I don't know - there are many things I can write about here on what takes me back to the good and bad times of the life we had together. I am hoping I will begin to remember more of the good and less of the bad.

I'm Gonna Go There . . .

Whoa, it's kind of been a long time since I posted. I've been contemplating whether I should write about this subject, but it has come up a few times in the last three weeks, so I guess I'm gonna go there.

A few friends/family members have brought up the subject of the future - mainly dating again. Now, let me just say that I don't think I am ready for that, yet. I still wear my wedding ring & I had Trav's wedding ring sized so I can wear his, as well. For the most part, I still feel like I am married. I have read that one day that will fade -- and I will begin yet another relationship with Travis.

One close friend stated that he doesn't know if there is anyone out there "good enough" for me to date. Another family member said, "they feel sorry for who ever comes after Travis." Let me just say that I have pondered these thoughts, too. I just didn't think everyone else was thinking them, as well. Now, no one is perfect, and contrary to what some might think, either was Travis. But, hey, he was the answer to my prayers and that's really all that counts.

I'm coming up on the sixth month being without him. Month after month I can feel myself healing and it's only normal to look towards what the future may bring. How can I not think if there is a man with broad enough shoulders for all of my baggage? I thought I had baggage before Travis, holy heck, look at my crap, now! I've already thought about what has to happen, the next person will have to be totally alright with the feelings I have in my heart for Travis. I mean, you can't really expect a person who was totally in love with someone and a tragic thing like cancer happen and all those feeling go away. IF that person is not out there -- then I'm OK with what I have. There can be no other way.

I suppose whatever happens, will happen. And it will happen in its own time and that is A-OK with me, I'm not in any hurry.

First Dance

Sometimes I wonder what heaven is like and what Travis is doing. I know he is with us, but I wonder if it's constant or does he pop in and out whenever he has a minute, or two.

A few weeks ago, we had a pretty big event, DJ's first dance. He was asked by his friend, Taylor, to go to Preference on Valentine's Day.



I could only imagine what Trav would have said to DJ as he was getting ready to pick her up. I know he would have said that "he looked sharp." He would have said to me that DJ is growing up, and I probably would have gotten a hug. Ya, so here we begin with the occasions of imagining what he would have said....

After the all the hub-ub was over and I was by myself, I got this feeling like he was right there with me. I could almost carry on a conversation with him about the big night that we had. And for the first time I realized that occasions such as these shouldn't be looked at as times that he is missing, but times where I know he is with us - just like before.

Things to Do

The other day I was talking to a mom whose son is in his twenties and is in his last days of his life here. He has cancer. We were conversing, we have a common ground, losing someone we love to cancer. As we talked, we shared the feelings of watching them slip away, watching them suffer, trying to provide them any kind of comfort you can think of, anything to make it better. She talked about medications, funeral arrangements and then she said, "I think that he has some things he needs to get done and then it will be time." That's got me thinking. If you knew Travis, you know how he loved his lists. He received a rash of you know what for his lists, but he never quit doing them. I wonder if a list is what we receive before we are born? Do you think that the faster we get through the list, the sooner we leave this place? Why are some people's lists shorter than other's? Is is because some tasks are harder to complete? Would you want to know what is on your list?

I remember a conversation Travis and I had after the doctor had found the spots on his lungs. He was sitting in his recliner and I was having a melt down. And I asked him, "Don't you wonder why this is happening to us? Why?!" And he said calmly, "You know, I don't know, maybe it's because I got all that I asked for." Now, that has me thinking, do we have control of what goes on our list of things we need to get accomplished?

Looking back at the past few years of our lives, I get an eerie feeling that things were falling into place for cancer and after. He used to work in industries where you didn't have an awful amount of sick time, but two years prior to cancer, that changed. Another big endeavor was the six month remodel of our home, he couldn't wait to get it done, a few months after it was complete - he was diagnosed. Damn it. If we'd known, we would have put it all off for another 40 years. If we would have known.

Ya, I know everyone has had heard the saying, "Ours is not to wonder why . . " But I do.

So, back to the conversation while he is in his recliner and me with my melt down, he said, "I just want you to remember, that whatever happens, I love you - always remember that, OK?"

OK, Travis, I love you, too.

The Long Pause

OK - so I am 39 and a widow and I hate it. And this is one of the reasons why. If you met me for the first time you wouldn't know that I lost my busband 4 months ago by looking at me. I usually smile, a lot. Thank God I was blessed with good teeth. In my job I meet new people everyday - that's what I LOVE about my job. And in my initial conversation with a new friend I don't say. "Oh by the way, I'm getting through the worst year of my life, my husband fought cancer and passed away, and I'm missing him every minute - tell me about yourself." I don't want to go there. Or should I? Because inevitably, it will go there. It might be that same day or the next week when it does surface. You get talking about family and kids and then I have to say it. "No, I'm not married, I'm a widow." I know - I'm so young and so was he - only 36. And there it is - an awkwardness, a long pause, I can see the other person searching for words of what to say next. Damn it. I don't want people to feel that way around me - I want people to like me, not feel sorry for me. So, I try to tell them, "Hey, it's OK - I'm getting through it." And I smile. They always say, "Wow, it looks like you are handling it well -- it hasn't been that long." Yep, I am, I guess. What else am I supposed to do?

Acceptance

Lately, I haven't had that much to blog about. After the trip, things got pretty quiet, and maybe a little realization set in. I just kept telling myself that if I can get through the holidays, it'll be ok. And now that the holidays have passed, I don't have a big hurdle to get over and sometimes I'm not OK. And sometimes I am.

Like today, I'm alright. I took the dogs to the vet and that was an adventure. I caught a lady in the waiting room laughing at me, as Gage tried to jump me from behind when I was trying to coax him to stay on the scale.

At church on Sunday, Father Leo talked about acceptance. He said how many of us "signed" up for the life we are living? Wouldn't we all want to be movie stars or rich? I'm sure I wasn't raising my hand when God was handing out grief. And I know that Trav did not volunteer for cancer. But Trav had a good attitude about it when it was given to him, he just said, "well, you play the hand your dealt." And that was what Father Leo's talk was about. Even though we don't like the life that was given to us, we must learn to accept it and grow from it. Because it was given to us for a reason. How lucky are we??

So, that is what I am going to try to do - accept it.

Wish me luck!

This Christmas . . .

As you might expect our Christmas was entirely different this year. Without Trav how could it be the same? Up until two Christmas' ago, he and I planned my family's Christmas party. I was in charge of setting up the room and he was in charge of collecting the gift's, meeting the Santa outside so Santa could make his entrance and then paying Santa for stopping by. On Christmas Eve, he would charge up the camcorder, tape the kids opening their one Christmas Eve present (always pajamas). In the morning, I was the one who woke up first, I would wake him up asking him, "When do you think they are going to wake up?" He always thought that was funny, that I was up before them. So, ya, it was different.


Even though he is not here where we can see him, we can feel him. Our love for him does not stop, we can still love him and send him our love and he can still receive it.

My niece Angie heard of this awesome idea of using your loved one's shirts and making them into "Memory Bears". I'm in a quandary as to what to do with Trav's clothes. I plan on making a quilt with some of them, but for some special shirts I thought this was a great idea. I've posted the link on where I ordered them. Carrie is great to work with and she is located in Utah.







Shuffleboard, anyone?

Then we were off on our adventure. Many months back, I booked a cruise for us over Christmas, the thought of spending Christmas here was unbearable. I decided on Carnival Cruise Lines and chose to go to the Mexican Rivera (Puerta Vallarta, Mazatlan and Cabo San Lucas).

Before our trip, I was again amazed by the generosity of Trav's friend's/co-worker's when I was presented with over $600.00 that they raised. As I've stated to many others, Trav's legacy lives on in these fine people. The impact he had in their lives must be great for them because they just keep on giving.

The Sunday prior to Christmas we were off for 7 days of sea, sun and fun. The first two days of our cruise was at sea. The girls checked out the teen club, after that I barely saw Ashtin all week. My only form of communication with her was leaving notes in the room, telling her to meet us for dinner. Oh well, that's what teenagers are supposed to do. There were over 750 children on the ship with many, many things for them to keep them occupied. We played numerous games of BINGO, watched Karaoke, comedians, and variety shows. Oh and the food . . . and unlimited amounts for frozen yogurt and ice cream. Heaven. We also saw dolphins swimming along side the ship.

In Puerta Vallarta, we went zip lining, as you can see from the picture Ashtin was not too keen on the idea, but she did great. Like I told her, "Never let fear hold you back, sistah." On Christmas Day we were in Mazatlan, not my favorite of the three, but we had great weather and some fun. In Cabo San Lucas, we tried snorkeling, which it wasn't the greatest, but I thought it was a great first snorkle for the kids.

All in all we had a great time. I got to see a whale out in the distance, as I drank my coffee on the back deck of the ship. Early mornings were for me to think and of course, talk to Trav. I'm sure he was saying that we deserved to get away after the year we've had. We missed him on the trip, though. The kids would mention him when we saw a t-shirt he would like, or we would imagine what he would say when we saw different people on the ship. Nope, he wasn't forgotten. In the harbor in Cabo we saw a boat and on it, it said "fearless". When Travis thought he beat cancer, he planned to get a new tatt with a drawing of us holding hands and "fearless" written under it. He wrote me a letter that said when I held his hand, that's how he felt. So, I know it was a sign from him when we saw this boat. I know he was telling us, to keep going, but he's not far.



Here we go, a new year, different lives, but with his courage. Always.

Wish

I guess my life has been pretty uneventful, hence no new postings in a few weeks. That is probably a good thing, after the year I've had. When Trav was in the hospital, he and I used to talk and text and WISH for our old life back. No drama. Then cancer happened and that's all we could think about -- our lives ended up being wrapped up in the ugly disease.

Over three months has past now, can I say that it's getting easier without him? Hmmm, in a way. I don't expect him to walk through the door anymore - and that makes me sad. Because the thought of getting used to him being gone somehow makes me feel like I'm letting him go. And I don't want to.

The holidays have been a little challenging. I'm finally getting used to hearing Christmas carols without wanting to plug my ears. And we did decorate the Christmas tree and DJ hung the outside Christmas lights (he would have been proud). But I can tell you that I cannot wait until this year is over. Looking back, I feel like this year was six months longer than any other year. Getting through it was like hiking uphill in waist high snow. I wish we could have made it to the top of the hill and been able savor the view. But that's not what happened. He didn't make it and I'm left to climb another mountain.

I'm still not able to look much into the future yet. I'm still coasting. And it feels like the right thing for me to do. I figure when this year all sinks in, then I will be ready to take on some new challenges, make some goals, and move on. But it hasn't sunk in yet, not all the way.

In case you don't hear from me in a few more weeks, I'd like to WISH everyone a very Merry Christmas. Back in June I interviewed Travis and asked him about the roller coaster of life and he said, "Life is exactly that, up's and down's, so enjoy with all your soul the up's." So, if you are reading this and your life is pretty good, I hope your enjoying them with all your heart and soul. For a gift to your loved ones write them a letter and tell them what they mean to you. Last Christmas that is what Travis gave me, I thank God everyday that he wrote it. And hey, with the economy, it won't cost you a dime.

To those out there who are in waist deep snow - I WISH you peace.