Wish

I guess my life has been pretty uneventful, hence no new postings in a few weeks. That is probably a good thing, after the year I've had. When Trav was in the hospital, he and I used to talk and text and WISH for our old life back. No drama. Then cancer happened and that's all we could think about -- our lives ended up being wrapped up in the ugly disease.

Over three months has past now, can I say that it's getting easier without him? Hmmm, in a way. I don't expect him to walk through the door anymore - and that makes me sad. Because the thought of getting used to him being gone somehow makes me feel like I'm letting him go. And I don't want to.

The holidays have been a little challenging. I'm finally getting used to hearing Christmas carols without wanting to plug my ears. And we did decorate the Christmas tree and DJ hung the outside Christmas lights (he would have been proud). But I can tell you that I cannot wait until this year is over. Looking back, I feel like this year was six months longer than any other year. Getting through it was like hiking uphill in waist high snow. I wish we could have made it to the top of the hill and been able savor the view. But that's not what happened. He didn't make it and I'm left to climb another mountain.

I'm still not able to look much into the future yet. I'm still coasting. And it feels like the right thing for me to do. I figure when this year all sinks in, then I will be ready to take on some new challenges, make some goals, and move on. But it hasn't sunk in yet, not all the way.

In case you don't hear from me in a few more weeks, I'd like to WISH everyone a very Merry Christmas. Back in June I interviewed Travis and asked him about the roller coaster of life and he said, "Life is exactly that, up's and down's, so enjoy with all your soul the up's." So, if you are reading this and your life is pretty good, I hope your enjoying them with all your heart and soul. For a gift to your loved ones write them a letter and tell them what they mean to you. Last Christmas that is what Travis gave me, I thank God everyday that he wrote it. And hey, with the economy, it won't cost you a dime.

To those out there who are in waist deep snow - I WISH you peace.

Lucky 7 Tag - l'm Due!

7 Things I Can Do . . .
1. Winterize a swamp cooler
2. Can tell when someone is lying
3. Cry and laugh at the same time
4. Tile and grout
5. Make friends with almost anyone
6. Close my eyes and hear his voice
7. Still find joy in life

7 Things I Can't Do . . .
1. Bake
2. Teach Gage how to stay
3. Sleep without having the electric blanket full blast and pillows stacked up next to me
4. Stop biting my nails
5. Finish this tag in a respectable amount of time
6. Talk on the phone and IM at the same time
7. Bring him back no matter how hard I try

7 Things I Always Say . . .
1. Oh my hell!
2. Na-uh!
3. Guess what?
4. Good boy!
5. What's up?
6. Damn it!
7. Are you kidding me?

7 Things I Always Eat . . .
1. Hint of Lime Chips
2. Ice water (ya, I know it's not edible.)
3. Pancakes on Sunday mornings
4. Oriental chicken salad at Applebee's
5. Lo mein at every Chinese food restaurant
6. 2 cups of coffee every morning (ya, I know it's not edible, this is hard.)
7. Ice cream

7 People I Tag . . .
1. Dasher
2. Prancer
3. Dancer
4. Blitzen
5. Comet
6. Cupid
7. Vixen

*I don't know 7 more people who blog, who hasn't already done this tag

Yes - I Am Grateful

How could I be grateful after a year like this? But I am . . .

I'm grateful for my family and friends, I may be alone, but I have never been lonely.

I'm grateful for my home, it has become my sanctuary. Everywhere I look I can see him, the walls that we painted, the tile that we layed . . . his spirit is here.

I'm grateful for my faith, knowing I will see him again is some consolation.

I'm grateful for my inner strength, with all the worry, stress and sadness life has brought, I find glimpses of my old self coming back . . . just like he would have wanted.

I'm grateful for the girls, I see their dad in their eyes.

I'm grateful for DJ, he is here for me, always. I know he made a huge promise to Travis, and that was to be here for me and I know DJ will always try his best to keep that promise.

I'm grateful for my pups, I know it sounds trite, but they are always here to greet me and seem to like my company.

And, I am grateful for Trav, and I am so happy that I had the chance to tell him how grateful I was, and what a difference he made in my life. How honored I am to forever be called his wife.

Even though somedays the loss of him knocks the wind out of me, I'm grateful that I can sense him close and urging me to keep moving forward.

A Tribute . . .

From the time Trav was diagnosed with cancer, and during the long months of chemo and radiation, he had the support of his friends/co-workers. I remember Trav telling me that his supervisor would say, "Take all the time you need, we've got your back, just take care of yourself first."

To the time his shop donated the proceeds of their coffee fund to the charitable fund. They are the ones who told me to open one, because they wanted to do SOMETHING, they just didn't know what.

To donating their annual leave so Trav did not have to worry about how the bills were going to be paid after he ran out of his own leave.

To giving us care packages when Travis returned back to work. They wanted to deliver them to the hospital, but Trav wouldn't let them.

On Friday, Keith, Linda and I were invited by Trav's shop to come over for a presentation. His boss, Kevin gave a great introduction, describing Travis as being a hard worker, a dedicated employee, an awesome guy and one that always wanted to help.


We were then presented one sketch each of Travis drawn by Pris, the wife of a co-worker. It is a beautiful drawing! Then, friends talked about Trav and what he meant to them. And how hard he worked even though he wasn't feeling well and what an impact he made in their lives.

All of the above instances were great, but I bet Trav would agree that their support at his most vulnerable time, by just being there, was the greatest blessing of all.

Two Months, Too Long

It's been two months since I've seen those brown eyes with his "trademark" eyelashes.

I don't miss his eyes so much, but the way I felt when he looked at me.

Two months since I heard his soft voice saying, "I love you, baby."

Or felt his hand on my leg when we sat by each other.

Some days it seems like it was the just yesterday and I'm in disbelief that the days have turned to weeks, and now the weeks have turned to months.

Yet other days I wonder how I can go on not seeing, or talking to him for one more day.

That's how life is for me now.

On the good days, I can laugh -- out loud.

But it's always followed by a twinge of guilt with my inner voice asking, "How can you even smile after losing him?"

On the good days, I say to myself, "I can do this."

On the bad days, I wonder, "What's next?"
After you've had it all -- what else is there?

Everyday I wake up and say, "Damn it."

Scoli

Around the end of last school year Ashtin came home from school with a note from the school nurse. It notified us that she should be checked for scoliosis. To be honest, I didn't take it too serious. Plus, at the time, I wasn't thinking right, Trav was in the hospital for his resection surgery. As the summer went on Ashtin complained of back pain and I was starting to notice the way she walked and the way one shoulder blade protruded more than the other.



Skip ahead a couple of months, and as it turns out she has a few serious curvatures in her spine to the tune of 44% on the top and 48% on the bottom. Surgery could be in her future, but for the next two years she will be required to wear the brace up to 18 hours per day. Unfortunately, the curves are so severe that she needs to wear the hard plastic brace rather than the flexible brace that would have been more comfortable.



But Ashtin seems to be adjusting well to the brace and hopefully her back stops curving.

Halloween

Here we go with another holiday that is so different from how it used to be.

Dressing up the kids in their costumes.
Barkley dressed up in his skeleton costume.
Trav taking all of them trick or treating
while I stayed home to hand out candy.
The kids coming home with a pillow case full of treats.
Trav talking about the neighbors he chatted with along the way.
Trav complaining about how cold it was.
The kids spreading their candy on the family room floor
and separating it by type.
The kids giving Travis all the Reese's Peanut Butter Cups that he
wanted because they were, "his favorite."
Trav and I going to costume parties and dressing up.
DJ building a snow fort the day of Halloween
and trick or treaters knocking it down -- and Trav wanting
to beat their a$$ for doing it.



And I can't help but think back to last year on Halloween night. Keith (Trav's dad)and I spent most of the afternoon in the waiting room of the Huntsman Center reading magazines while Travis got his PET scan. I remember telling Keith that I just knew that Travis was going to beat this and everything was going to be fine. Maybe I was being overconfident or maybe I just couldn't imagine life without Trav in it. But it has happened and life hasn't been the same. And still it's hard to fathom that he is not here.