The Ride

So many times I've pulled in the cul-de-sac and the garage door is up and his truck is parked in his spot and I think, "Oh, Trav beat me home." Well, he did beat me home, but not the one down here.

The other day, I decided to wash his truck and fill it up with gas. I knew it was going to be hard to sit in it, so I really geared myself up. Every time I had driven it before, Travis would say, "Go easy on her." or "Don't spin the tires!" OK, Trav. (eye roll) I got his keys (even though I have his truck key on my key ring) and got in. Smells like Travis, and it's immaculate, unlike the van, which drove Travis insane.

Now, I don't want people to think of Trav as one of those guys who LOVED his truck because he wasn't ever that type of guy. When I met him he was driving a boxy Mitsubishi Montero, but it served it's purpose, it could fit two car seats in the back with a 7 year old in the middle and had a hitch for the tent trailer. He bought it off some older women that didn't put a lot of miles on it. It had rust on the hood, but he bought it anyway. I convinced Trav to buy a truck because eventually I wanted to buy 4-wheelers. If Trav and I ever had to go anywhere, just the two of us, he never wanted to take his truck, he was always more comfortable driving the family wag, with the extra 5 empty seats.

I got in and turned the key and click, click, click. I laughed, and I said, "You don't want me to drive your truck, do ya?" I could almost hear him do that suppressed giggle that he had. I grabbed everything and got out, and sent a text to DJ. "Guess Travi didn't want me to drive his truck, it wouldn't turn over, can you look at it after school?" Received a text back, "What are you doing in his truck anyway?" Now, I know that there are communication problems involved when you send a text or email, so I sent a text back, "I wanted to wash it and fill it with gas..." (G's DJ, a little protective of Travis' truck, are we? Don't worry Bear, that truck is staying right where he left it.)

DJ gets home and it's just the battery - to be expected after sitting for so long. He'll jump it after work. He gets home from work and does. "Mom, it's fixed, you can take it now." What?! Now?! I'm not prepared! I go anyway.

When you start Trav's truck all you hear is the engine. Before he turns off a vehicle he shuts everything down, the A/C, the radio . . .

I turn on the stereo and it plays the CD he listened to last. It's a CD of Tim McGraw's Greatest Hits given to him by his parents. That CD means a lot to this family. First, Trav and I were "told" that he danced to a song with the girls at Ashley's wedding and as he was dancing with them he got a little teary eyed. We don't remember the song that was playing, and Trav blames the tears on the amount of alcohol consumed - - can you say "open bar"? But we will take the girls' word for it. If you attended Trav's funeral, I chose "My Little Girl" to be played. And lastly, my special memory is when he got home from the hospital the first time, my housework had gotten behind and I needed to get some spring cleaning done. I was wiping down the blinds in the basement. Trav decided to take his truck for a spin and was on a sort of "high" because he was getting closer to getting back to a normal life. He came down to the basement and one of the girls was on Danielle's blog and the song "I Need You" was playing. He took me in his arms and danced with me, I had a dirty rag in one hand and his hand in the other. The girls just sat there and giggled. I shake my head in disbelief that that was our last dance. How happy I am now, that I didn't push him away and say, "No, I'm sweaty or hot." or something. I just remember burying my face in his neck.

I took his truck for a ride, playing the CD, getting gas, took it through the car wash and when I got to the road to turn down to go home . . . I just kept on driving, until it got dark.

As I pulled in the cul-de-sac, I started shutting everything down, like he would have liked. In the past, whenever we went somewhere together either as a family or just us, as he was pulling into the garage he would say, "Thanks for going with me." and everybody would say, "Thanks for taking us." I loved that, he was always grateful that we wanted to hang out with him. When really it was the opposite . . .

Texas

One year ago today the Beus household started changing. Who would have guessed that it would end up this bad? It all started when our 15 yr old basset hound, Texie, passed away. Thinking back, we had a barbecue a few days before we put Texie down and Trav was saying that food was getting stuck in his chest. Also, the day after he dug the hole to bury her, he complained that he must have pulled a muscle because his chest still hurt.

Texie was given to Travis by the girls' mom on his 20th birthday. What a cutie she was! I wish I could have been there to smell her puppy breath.


I came along about 7 years later, she was already gray. Trav would have her in a dog run or tied to a long clothes line. I begged him to let her come inside, but he wouldn't allow it. When we moved to our home and later married, she had a dog run with her house in it, but let's face it the whole backyard was her kingdom. Trav said moving here probably added 5 years to her life.

A funny story - the backyard needed some serious landscaping when we moved in, we hauled in dirt, bark, trees, shrubs and flowers. Apparently, Travis left the gate open (see I can blame stuff on him, now :). No one noticed that Texie was gone until the end of the day when we started cleaning up. Travis wasn't too worried about her - said she probably wandered off and would find her way home. What? The dog has her nose to the ground 24/7 she never looks up to see where she's going!! Anyway, I called the animal shelter and sure enough they had picked up an elderly tri-colored basset hound on 2000 W. Elderly - the nerve! I told Travis about it and he wasn't even in a rush to get her, he actually said out loud that he didn't know if he wanted to pay for her release. What?! I know now that he probably just said that knowing I would not stand for her to spend another moment in the pokey. I loaded the kids in the van and off we went to the animal shelter. As we went down each row, our heart just ached for those dogs. Then we came upon Texie-Girl, cowering in the corner wondering what was going on. As we claimed her, we were told that she had received a ticket for obstructing traffic on 2000 W. apparently she went for a leisurely stroll down the very busy road.

The things I miss about her are the way she ran to you when she first saw you, her ears flapping and her tongue hanging out. The way she patrolled the perimeter of our yard making sure all was in order. Travis on the patio grilling hamburgers and he would get the grease on the spatula and flick it on the cement and Texie and Barkley would lick it up. The way she howled at the jets overhead - poor girl, it hurt her ears. Travis playing fetch with her and her never bringing the ball right to him, he always had to walk about two steps to get the ball back. The time her and Travis were outside together and she started running along the fence greeting someone on the track behind us and she ran right into a sprinkler riser and broke it. Trav couldn't believe she did it, right in front of him. Her getting out of the yard and the kids trying to corral her back home, she was a stubborn ol' bitch and she would get on her back and not move and the kids literally had to drag her across the neighbor's yard. And she was tough, I felt sorry for her every winter when the temp's would get so low. One time Angie let us use a heated pillow for her, all she did was bark and claw at it. So much for trying to make her comfortable.

Travis called her his Texas or Texie Roo. I called her Texie Roo Roo Roo, because of the way she barked (which was hardly ever), and sweet girl. Because that's what she was, a bundle of sweetness.

The day Travis passed away, one of the first things DJ said was, "Mom, I can just see Travis up there with Texie." The image flashed in my mind, how often I would watch Travis walking across the back lawn with Texie by his side with her tail up and wagging. She would look up at him and I could see his lips moving talking to her.

One year later, he still had her picture on his cell screen saver, he had caught her taking a nap all curled up on the lawn, Travis missed his Texas everyday. We have acquired another dog, Gage. I will post on him later. On the day I went to pick him up Travis texted me and said that he was sorry he wasn't excited as the rest of us about getting a new dog. He wrote that he still missed Texie, but thought it was time to move on. I cried then and it makes me cry today. I am happy that Texie was one of the ones who met Travis at heaven's gate, with her tail up and wagging, her ears flapping and her tongue hanging out with a big ol' smile. I wish I could have been there to see it.

The Second Day of the Rest of My Life

Wow, it's only day 2! Seems longer than that - maybe it's because Trav and I haven't had a two-way conversation since Monday. Yesterday wasn't so bad for me, I usually am very emotional in the morning, but I was OK. Maybe it was all the hugs I had received the day before at the funeral still holding me tight.

Sunday Morning - Missed watched Sunday Morning with Trav - although he would miss about half of it, he liked to sleep. Missed him waving to me in the hallway as I sat on the couch drinking my coffee.

I miss how he would let me read the newspaper first, because I have a specific order on how I read it, if he read it first, it would get me off sequence.

DJ picked up the kids from Jayson and Shannon's - thanks you guys for giving the girls a little distraction.

Off to church - I thought I would sit quietly, but I didn't. Hmmm, maybe I do still have my faith. We lit a candle for Trav and said a prayer for him, and us, too.

Out for an ice cream and over to the cemetery. Sydnee asked Trav if he wanted some. Laughed a little there, and took some flowers home to put in vases, 'cause we don't have enough flowers in the house already! Being sarcastic here. We have tons of food and flowers. Thanks everyone!

Over to Keith and Linda's - weird walking in their house without him, I'm sure it was strange for Keith and Linda, too.

Back home and greeted more friends and family.

Watched a little Sunday Night Football, nope, wasn't the same.

At night, I miss the little things, like Trav checking to make sure the garage door is down and that the doors are locked. We needed to be safe and we were.

Made a list of what I needed to do the next day. Uh-oh, someone has rubbed off on me.

Today, Monday.

Woke up by Ashtin, she has a pain on her side. Not taking any chances on it being appendicitis. Turned out she was fine, asked the doc, "Could it be stress?" If Trav was here we would have given her, some Tylenol, Ibuprofen and cold medicine at the same time, and told her "Down the hatch" and sent her to bed. Then Sydnee wakes up when I am doing Ashtin's hair, "I have a belly ache." We smile. Me, too, sweets.

Not going to work, don't know when I will go back. Miss that morning phone call asking, "What we got going on today after work, babe?" He didn't want to talk about work, he was waiting for 3:30 to get home.

Started making the dreaded phone calls. Where do I start? Called the auto and home insurance and personnel. I was fine until I talked to the mortgage company, that's when it hit me. My husband passed away. The thing most important to Trav was his home and maybe that's why I couldn't talk, I just sat there and sobbed, the nice lady told me it was going to be OK. I hope so. I asked her, "Do I need to take him off the title?" She said, "No, you don't do anything you don't want to do." OK, then his name will stay, it was our home.

Went through all the lovely sympathy cards, I will save them for when I need some encouragement. Also, the generosity of people is overwhelming! Had to make a deposit at the credit union. Thanks everyone.

Paid some bills, medical bills are trickling in. Want to put them off, but there is Travis' voice in my head that says "Just pay 'em."

Visited the cemetery, another one-way conversation. This one with a little more emotion. I told him that I am scared, that I feel a storm brewing and he was the one I would go to, but he is not here. He would always ask me, "What can I do? How can I fix it, to make you stop crying, I need you to smile - no crying."

I need you, so come back.

You Rest in Peace, Baby

Trav loved reading the blog, and he loved reading everyone else's too, but every time he read any of them he would cry. That was Travis . . .

Yesterday, at 1:13 p.m., we lost a great person. A loyal son, a devoted husband, an out of this world dad, and an awesome friend. Travis fought hard to stay with us until the very end. But we are happy for him that he is now in heaven, sad for us, but happy for him. He does not have to suffer anymore, now we are left to miss him every minute we are apart. But we know that we will see him again, and we can't wait.

So Trav if you are reading this, know that we miss you already. We are still in disbelief that you are not physically with us anymore. But we feel you in spirit and in our hearts. We know that you are watching over us, preparing a home for us in heaven. So rest a little bit and wait for us. We love you, best.

Update from Family

I am posting on behalf of Karianne because Trav told her to keep blogging. He said that many people have mentioned to him that they check the blog so Karianne wanted to try to post last weekend but just didn't. Karianne approved of me adding the family pics on the side because she lost them when she changed backgrounds. I will also provide an update since we know you all love and care about Travis.
Moving on, Travis' health is declining. The heavy medication keeps him comfortable but makes it so he sleeps most of the day now. There is not much time but its hard to speculate on how long. Thank you for the many prayers and thoughts you have given on Travis', Karianne's and the childrens' behalf. They appreciate them.
Thanks also to Karianne's co-workers for being so good to her by donating leave, setting up a lawncare schedule, providing meals or food cards. Her co-worker told me yesterday that she wanted me to know how much Karianne is loved. It brought tears to my eyes because our family is truly grateful for the love that is given to her and her family. Karianne is strong but this is obviously tough on her so we're very thankful for the support her and Trav are shown.
I will probably update about Trav on my blog more than Karianne due to the circumstances, so if you'd like you can link to mine from the favorite bloggers list on the right of this page. However, please continue to leave comments on this blog as it uplifts Karianne, the girls, and DJ. Please do not hesitate to leave a kind thought to her and the kids, even if you've never commented before. Since I helped her start this blog, I changed the settings so that it accepts anonymous comments, then you can just sign your name at the end of your note. Also, please carry on the memories post if you have any or more.

Sincerely,
Angie

Memories of Travis

Do you have a special story or memory of Travis? If so, let's hear it and I will pass it along to him.

Spinning

I have ran this "post" over and over in my head many times. What am I going to write? How can I write it and it come across the way I feel inside? I have come to realization that no one will know how I feel inside anyways, so I may as well just spit it out. But somehow, writing it for all the world to see makes it undeniable. Why do I feel this way this time, unlike before when I had fight in my heart. Maybe it's because I know how hard it is to go through it all again, I suppose. But we must go through it, again.

Travis had been having trouble with shortness of breath. We told the surgeon and oncologist at our one month follow-up. They checked his oxygen levels and they were normal. Nothing to worry about - expected after being in the hospital for so long. At our two month follow-up, he still had the shortness of breath, however this time his oxygen levels were considerably lower. A CT scan was done and it showed that Travis had 2 liters of fluid in his left lung. The last week of July, Travis was admitted into the hospital to have his lung drained. But that wasn't the worst of it - nodules were found in both lungs. Back on June 25th, extensive blood work was completed on Travis by the oncologist. I called the oncologist after the nodules were found and he said that he wasn't surprised about the nodules, Travis tumor markers were elevated. Travis was in the hospital for about 5 days and released. Even though the news was devastating, we stayed with the plan of having the esophageal stent removed the first week of August.

We made an appointment with the oncologist to go over Travis tumor markers. In our short meeting, we discussed his fast recurrence of his cancer. We also discussed some liver function numbers that were elevated. Further tests have revealed that he has a few small lesions on his liver, as well. Our oncologist told us to return after the stent was removed to go over what type of chemotherapy would be recommended. The goal being to get the same response that Travis received with the initial chemotherapy and get to another remission.

Travis was admitted to have the esophageal stent removed on August 6th. The fluid had returned and so we decided for the surgeon to perform a talc pleurodesis on the left lung at the same time. Inserting talc to the inner lining of the lung causes the lung to scar over, thus keeping the fluid from going inside it. After the surgery, we were first told that the esophageal leak was healed only to be told after the radiologist had investigated more thoroughly that a teeny tiny leak was spotted, but only when he took a big drink and his esophagus was full. No leak was spotted when he sipped from a straw.

The two days following the surgery Travis really struggled with his breathing. Later tests revealed blood clots in each lung, he has been on continuous heparin for treatment. He was put on a ventilator on Friday, August 8th. He still remains on the vent today. He is in a semi-conscious state. We talk to him and he understands what we are saying, he answers through his own sign language and by writing notes or mouthing the words. He is for the most part comfortable, but occasionally complains of some pain. Travis is beginning to get weened from the vent now, we are hoping that his lungs will continue to improve.

Since I am writing this - I can only speak for myself. These past weeks I have felt mostly anger and sadness. For those of you who know me personally -- I haven't been myself. To say that I have been in shock is an understatement. I have basically gone into the "survival" mode doing only what needs to be done. Logging on to the computer at home and checking my email has not been one of them. How can this ordeal continue to go on? My Travis has been through too much. My past positive attitude of things having to get better because of the long surgery recovery is gone. But I have not given up.

When Travis entered the hospital on August 6, the plan was to be released 7 days later. We would then go to the oncologist and start chemo. After he was put on the ventilator, the 7 day release date flew right on by. As I sat there looking at him, I started to go a little stir crazy, "We need to get him out of here -- to start chemo!" And then, I had to just let it all go. I came to the realization that I need to trust Jesus that this plan is what is best. For whatever reason, I need to trust that all of this suffering is for something.

We are living day-to-day right now. We do not know what is around the bend. For me to speculate on what will be next to get Travis better is futile.

No one deserves this and it isn't fair. But life is not fair. I can only hope that God will take care of him and that He will give us strength to go on and that He knows what is best for our family. I pray everyday for Him to comfort us and to give us some peace.