The Long Pause

OK - so I am 39 and a widow and I hate it. And this is one of the reasons why. If you met me for the first time you wouldn't know that I lost my busband 4 months ago by looking at me. I usually smile, a lot. Thank God I was blessed with good teeth. In my job I meet new people everyday - that's what I LOVE about my job. And in my initial conversation with a new friend I don't say. "Oh by the way, I'm getting through the worst year of my life, my husband fought cancer and passed away, and I'm missing him every minute - tell me about yourself." I don't want to go there. Or should I? Because inevitably, it will go there. It might be that same day or the next week when it does surface. You get talking about family and kids and then I have to say it. "No, I'm not married, I'm a widow." I know - I'm so young and so was he - only 36. And there it is - an awkwardness, a long pause, I can see the other person searching for words of what to say next. Damn it. I don't want people to feel that way around me - I want people to like me, not feel sorry for me. So, I try to tell them, "Hey, it's OK - I'm getting through it." And I smile. They always say, "Wow, it looks like you are handling it well -- it hasn't been that long." Yep, I am, I guess. What else am I supposed to do?

Acceptance

Lately, I haven't had that much to blog about. After the trip, things got pretty quiet, and maybe a little realization set in. I just kept telling myself that if I can get through the holidays, it'll be ok. And now that the holidays have passed, I don't have a big hurdle to get over and sometimes I'm not OK. And sometimes I am.

Like today, I'm alright. I took the dogs to the vet and that was an adventure. I caught a lady in the waiting room laughing at me, as Gage tried to jump me from behind when I was trying to coax him to stay on the scale.

At church on Sunday, Father Leo talked about acceptance. He said how many of us "signed" up for the life we are living? Wouldn't we all want to be movie stars or rich? I'm sure I wasn't raising my hand when God was handing out grief. And I know that Trav did not volunteer for cancer. But Trav had a good attitude about it when it was given to him, he just said, "well, you play the hand your dealt." And that was what Father Leo's talk was about. Even though we don't like the life that was given to us, we must learn to accept it and grow from it. Because it was given to us for a reason. How lucky are we??

So, that is what I am going to try to do - accept it.

Wish me luck!

This Christmas . . .

As you might expect our Christmas was entirely different this year. Without Trav how could it be the same? Up until two Christmas' ago, he and I planned my family's Christmas party. I was in charge of setting up the room and he was in charge of collecting the gift's, meeting the Santa outside so Santa could make his entrance and then paying Santa for stopping by. On Christmas Eve, he would charge up the camcorder, tape the kids opening their one Christmas Eve present (always pajamas). In the morning, I was the one who woke up first, I would wake him up asking him, "When do you think they are going to wake up?" He always thought that was funny, that I was up before them. So, ya, it was different.


Even though he is not here where we can see him, we can feel him. Our love for him does not stop, we can still love him and send him our love and he can still receive it.

My niece Angie heard of this awesome idea of using your loved one's shirts and making them into "Memory Bears". I'm in a quandary as to what to do with Trav's clothes. I plan on making a quilt with some of them, but for some special shirts I thought this was a great idea. I've posted the link on where I ordered them. Carrie is great to work with and she is located in Utah.







Shuffleboard, anyone?

Then we were off on our adventure. Many months back, I booked a cruise for us over Christmas, the thought of spending Christmas here was unbearable. I decided on Carnival Cruise Lines and chose to go to the Mexican Rivera (Puerta Vallarta, Mazatlan and Cabo San Lucas).

Before our trip, I was again amazed by the generosity of Trav's friend's/co-worker's when I was presented with over $600.00 that they raised. As I've stated to many others, Trav's legacy lives on in these fine people. The impact he had in their lives must be great for them because they just keep on giving.

The Sunday prior to Christmas we were off for 7 days of sea, sun and fun. The first two days of our cruise was at sea. The girls checked out the teen club, after that I barely saw Ashtin all week. My only form of communication with her was leaving notes in the room, telling her to meet us for dinner. Oh well, that's what teenagers are supposed to do. There were over 750 children on the ship with many, many things for them to keep them occupied. We played numerous games of BINGO, watched Karaoke, comedians, and variety shows. Oh and the food . . . and unlimited amounts for frozen yogurt and ice cream. Heaven. We also saw dolphins swimming along side the ship.

In Puerta Vallarta, we went zip lining, as you can see from the picture Ashtin was not too keen on the idea, but she did great. Like I told her, "Never let fear hold you back, sistah." On Christmas Day we were in Mazatlan, not my favorite of the three, but we had great weather and some fun. In Cabo San Lucas, we tried snorkeling, which it wasn't the greatest, but I thought it was a great first snorkle for the kids.

All in all we had a great time. I got to see a whale out in the distance, as I drank my coffee on the back deck of the ship. Early mornings were for me to think and of course, talk to Trav. I'm sure he was saying that we deserved to get away after the year we've had. We missed him on the trip, though. The kids would mention him when we saw a t-shirt he would like, or we would imagine what he would say when we saw different people on the ship. Nope, he wasn't forgotten. In the harbor in Cabo we saw a boat and on it, it said "fearless". When Travis thought he beat cancer, he planned to get a new tatt with a drawing of us holding hands and "fearless" written under it. He wrote me a letter that said when I held his hand, that's how he felt. So, I know it was a sign from him when we saw this boat. I know he was telling us, to keep going, but he's not far.



Here we go, a new year, different lives, but with his courage. Always.

Wish

I guess my life has been pretty uneventful, hence no new postings in a few weeks. That is probably a good thing, after the year I've had. When Trav was in the hospital, he and I used to talk and text and WISH for our old life back. No drama. Then cancer happened and that's all we could think about -- our lives ended up being wrapped up in the ugly disease.

Over three months has past now, can I say that it's getting easier without him? Hmmm, in a way. I don't expect him to walk through the door anymore - and that makes me sad. Because the thought of getting used to him being gone somehow makes me feel like I'm letting him go. And I don't want to.

The holidays have been a little challenging. I'm finally getting used to hearing Christmas carols without wanting to plug my ears. And we did decorate the Christmas tree and DJ hung the outside Christmas lights (he would have been proud). But I can tell you that I cannot wait until this year is over. Looking back, I feel like this year was six months longer than any other year. Getting through it was like hiking uphill in waist high snow. I wish we could have made it to the top of the hill and been able savor the view. But that's not what happened. He didn't make it and I'm left to climb another mountain.

I'm still not able to look much into the future yet. I'm still coasting. And it feels like the right thing for me to do. I figure when this year all sinks in, then I will be ready to take on some new challenges, make some goals, and move on. But it hasn't sunk in yet, not all the way.

In case you don't hear from me in a few more weeks, I'd like to WISH everyone a very Merry Christmas. Back in June I interviewed Travis and asked him about the roller coaster of life and he said, "Life is exactly that, up's and down's, so enjoy with all your soul the up's." So, if you are reading this and your life is pretty good, I hope your enjoying them with all your heart and soul. For a gift to your loved ones write them a letter and tell them what they mean to you. Last Christmas that is what Travis gave me, I thank God everyday that he wrote it. And hey, with the economy, it won't cost you a dime.

To those out there who are in waist deep snow - I WISH you peace.

Lucky 7 Tag - l'm Due!

7 Things I Can Do . . .
1. Winterize a swamp cooler
2. Can tell when someone is lying
3. Cry and laugh at the same time
4. Tile and grout
5. Make friends with almost anyone
6. Close my eyes and hear his voice
7. Still find joy in life

7 Things I Can't Do . . .
1. Bake
2. Teach Gage how to stay
3. Sleep without having the electric blanket full blast and pillows stacked up next to me
4. Stop biting my nails
5. Finish this tag in a respectable amount of time
6. Talk on the phone and IM at the same time
7. Bring him back no matter how hard I try

7 Things I Always Say . . .
1. Oh my hell!
2. Na-uh!
3. Guess what?
4. Good boy!
5. What's up?
6. Damn it!
7. Are you kidding me?

7 Things I Always Eat . . .
1. Hint of Lime Chips
2. Ice water (ya, I know it's not edible.)
3. Pancakes on Sunday mornings
4. Oriental chicken salad at Applebee's
5. Lo mein at every Chinese food restaurant
6. 2 cups of coffee every morning (ya, I know it's not edible, this is hard.)
7. Ice cream

7 People I Tag . . .
1. Dasher
2. Prancer
3. Dancer
4. Blitzen
5. Comet
6. Cupid
7. Vixen

*I don't know 7 more people who blog, who hasn't already done this tag

Yes - I Am Grateful

How could I be grateful after a year like this? But I am . . .

I'm grateful for my family and friends, I may be alone, but I have never been lonely.

I'm grateful for my home, it has become my sanctuary. Everywhere I look I can see him, the walls that we painted, the tile that we layed . . . his spirit is here.

I'm grateful for my faith, knowing I will see him again is some consolation.

I'm grateful for my inner strength, with all the worry, stress and sadness life has brought, I find glimpses of my old self coming back . . . just like he would have wanted.

I'm grateful for the girls, I see their dad in their eyes.

I'm grateful for DJ, he is here for me, always. I know he made a huge promise to Travis, and that was to be here for me and I know DJ will always try his best to keep that promise.

I'm grateful for my pups, I know it sounds trite, but they are always here to greet me and seem to like my company.

And, I am grateful for Trav, and I am so happy that I had the chance to tell him how grateful I was, and what a difference he made in my life. How honored I am to forever be called his wife.

Even though somedays the loss of him knocks the wind out of me, I'm grateful that I can sense him close and urging me to keep moving forward.

A Tribute . . .

From the time Trav was diagnosed with cancer, and during the long months of chemo and radiation, he had the support of his friends/co-workers. I remember Trav telling me that his supervisor would say, "Take all the time you need, we've got your back, just take care of yourself first."

To the time his shop donated the proceeds of their coffee fund to the charitable fund. They are the ones who told me to open one, because they wanted to do SOMETHING, they just didn't know what.

To donating their annual leave so Trav did not have to worry about how the bills were going to be paid after he ran out of his own leave.

To giving us care packages when Travis returned back to work. They wanted to deliver them to the hospital, but Trav wouldn't let them.

On Friday, Keith, Linda and I were invited by Trav's shop to come over for a presentation. His boss, Kevin gave a great introduction, describing Travis as being a hard worker, a dedicated employee, an awesome guy and one that always wanted to help.


We were then presented one sketch each of Travis drawn by Pris, the wife of a co-worker. It is a beautiful drawing! Then, friends talked about Trav and what he meant to them. And how hard he worked even though he wasn't feeling well and what an impact he made in their lives.

All of the above instances were great, but I bet Trav would agree that their support at his most vulnerable time, by just being there, was the greatest blessing of all.